Short Bits 4

Woah! Those Toes!

CAPSLOCKE
"Now i don't know what is more disqueting, the 4-toed statue, or THAT"

Goony123
In an effort to regain Sayid's confidence, Rousseau shows him the location of the ultra-secret seventh Dharma Station - The Snatch.

captainaeon
After weeks of struggling to escape the island, Sayid realizes he must face the agony of de-feet...

captainaeon
Sayid thinks--That blonde I planted has started to sprout...

Goony123
Sayid: "No, you idiot. Eko's stick said 'lift up your eyes and look north.'"

llanoestacada
Sayid: Somehow, I don't remember that page in my Kama Sutra.

LncshrLassinMI
Sayid (Gymnastics Judge): Sorry, I will have to deduct 25 points for that landing........next!

marbalbc
Britney, you forgot your panties again.

MissingPlane
..oh no,,,the Sickness is spreading,,,the dreaded Ostritch Disease!!

MissingPlane
..okay! okay!...very good ..now move your right leg just a little to the left and we'll see if we can pick up BBC London..

PoeFan1
Sayid: "Ummm, Shannon? You're supposed to put the surfboard in the water before you start paddling out."

zenmaster5280
...Something happens and Im head over heels
I never find out till Im head over heels
Something happens and Im head over heels
Ah dont take my heart
Dont break my heart
Dont throw it away...

The Pigs Are Walking Edition

captainaeon
Arzt--'...And this is a great counter move if your opponent uses the hand-on-nose block when you try to poke him in the eyes with the basic forward thrusting peace sign attack. Remember to preface this move with the phrase "A wise-guy, eh?"'
Arzt teaches Kate some useful 'Stooge-fu' moves.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
"It's about this long, OK? It's fat, round and very, very sweaty. You have to grab it with both hands, but be gentle with it. If you yank it and jerk it too hard, things are gonna get very messy. You also need to remember.......uh, what are you doing? Dammit, woman, why are you trying to unzip my pants? I'm trying to teach you how to handle dynamite."

lostcrazy815
"Say Razzle Dazzle again. I dare you. I am this close from burying you alive."

silverhalo1217
Arzt: This is about how long my character will be on the show. Your character, Nikki? Eh, not so long.

JustMech
"Have you seen Sayid's? They're long and GROSS!

Surpise!
LncshrLassinMI
"Surprise! Daddy is here to stay with us for a month!"

lockesladyluv
Someday we'll be able to afford a patch to cover that eye that you LOST.....

Short Bits 3

The Future's So Bright Edition
hellolost
Captains log
Stardate 4 8 15 16 23 42
I think everyone loves my new prescription glasses. Number 1 told me they made my eyes look bluer then normal. I didn't let her know that with these new glasses I can see her naked when ever I want.

MissingPlane
..Alex,,I'd like " Escaping Time and Space" for 400 dollars please...

LncshrLassinMI
Carl: I thought this game was "Lost in Space".......not "Lost and Spaced".

suckr4luv
These are the Super X-Ray Vision glasses I sent in 100 boxtops for?

wednesdayworld
Arghh! I didn't check the clock to see if it worked before I sat down in this chair. Orange you glad it wasn't Lost?

cmsmith68
better like this or better like this?

cmsmith68
E
F P
T O Z
L P E D
P E C F D
E D F C Z P

Lost Luggage Edition

hatch_n_sniff
Rose: Slow down Charlie, this is the longest scene I get in like THREE years.

gwenniesgrannie
Sorry you were misdirected, ma'am. The deluxe suite is this way.

042078
Rose: And I'm teeeeellllling you...I'm not going...
Charlie: Yes, Rose. You ARE going. I missed my chance with Driveshaft...I will NOT miss my chance to make it as a Dreamgirl!

wednesdayworld
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Rosebud!

Shangri_La_
"Charlie why do I have to hide these coconuts in my blouse.? Can't we put them on your sled thing"

JustMech
"Alright, so the Jamaican bobsled team didn't do so well. I still say that we have a shot at the mixed doubles luge title if we practice!"

bringingSazyback
Charlie: Rose, you've always got a cheerful attitude, and I just complain and whine all the time. How do you do it?
Rose: Living is easy with eyes closed.
Charlie: I'll have to remember that.

Do These Pants Make My...

meeps_r_us
You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out, you put your right footWHOOOOOAAA!!!!

silverhalo1217
"Are you looking at my bum? You dirty bum looker." - said in best Mike Myers british accent.

MissingPlane
FBI School, Special Agent Level 1
Forced Entry Training Module,
Slide #7: WHAT NOT TO DO
................a) Expose large portion of buttock in entryway
................b) Close eyes
................c) point gun away from area being entered
................d) go barefoot!

(next slide)

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: Look out Desmond, I'm about to turn the lower part of this boat into the poop deck.

captainaeon
Jack prepares to use his silent-but-deadly secret weapon...

LIONARTist
BBBBRRRRRRAAAAAAPPPPPFFFFTTT

wednesdayworld
"Eeeeekkkk, a mouse!"

Baby Daddy Sitter Edition

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Charlie: So why are we living on this tropical island again?
Sawyer: Think about it. Two gay men and a baby? It was either here or San Francisco.
Charlie: So why didn't we move to San Fransisco then?
Sawyer: I'd rather live here where we don't have to worry about all that dark smog. That stuff is bad for your health.
Charlie: So I guess you didn't hear what happened to Eko, did you?

Sazyga
Sawyer: Claire needs to quit breastfeeding that kid. He takes it much too seriously.
Charlie: Lay off, he's only a baby.
Sawyer: You see the hole he chewed in my shirt, Mary Poppins?

zenmaster5280
Sawyer: "...Sure it's all fun and games when he's asleep, but just wait until he needs his nappy changed..."

zenmaster5280
Carlton and Damon's Plot twist: Lost - Two and Half Men

carl_the_irishman
Sawyer: Damn shade! Can't see my magazine!
Charlie: No, it's good. I dont want the baby getting burned.
Sawyer: *looks up* - oh, it's just Hurley walking past.

Foinbean
Sawyer..." And the exhaust valve was depressed,,so Aaall the nasty gases were freed and went down the exhaust pipe where they met the catalytic converter fairy and were magically changed into non toxiic emmissions..
Charlie.." Keep It Up Sawyer..its workin ,,its workin.."

Sazyga
Sawyer: Did you hear that?
Charlie: My log says there is evil in the woods.

Foinbean
Sawyer....Nope!...nothing in here about swaddeling!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Charlie: Yes Sawyer, I know that the sound of your voice is the only thing that soothes Aaron to sleep, but don't you have anything to read besides Penthouse Forum?

lockesladylilac
who would have thought that having sex with him could have produced such a beautiful bundle of joy?

Foinbean
...Charlie.." Hush little baby, now don't you cry,,,Charlie's gonna sing you a Drive shaft lullaby.."
..Sawyer,," Thank you Mr Charlie, we'll let you know by phone...NEXT!"

captainaeon
Sawyer: Whew! That smell! Which one of you needs his diaper changed?
Charlie: I don't wear a diaper!
Sawyer: I saw that commercial you made, Lil' Buddy...
Charlie: Oh...

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Charlie: Damn it Sawyer, no wonder he's crying. Is that Anne Coulter's latest book your reading aloud? Put that away.

Sazyga
Sawyer: "Over hill, over dale, thorough bush, thorough brier, over park, over pale......uh.......thorough flood, thorough fire, Idowandereverywhere, swifter than the....moon's sphere, and I serve, and I serve....the......"
Charlie: "the Fairy Queen". Keep practicing. Shakespeare On The Beach starts tomorrow!
Sawyer: Can't I auction off wenches or something? Why can't you play the damn fairy?
Charlie: Well, I am English........

Mrs_Sawyer_
Charlie...."Sawyer what does the dang thing say"
Sawyer...." It says .....Ill feed it, and burp it , but I sure aint changing it! Looks like a job for you, Mr. Mom."

Sazyga
Charlie: Did you say thank you to Uncle Sawyer for letting us hide in here? Did you? Cootchie cootchie! He's a nice man, isn't he. Yes he is. Kate will never find us in here. I am the Hide and Go Seek champion! Yes I am....numnumnumnum....Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy?
Sawyer: HE'S IN HERE!
Charlie: Who's a bastard? Is Uncle Sawyer a bastard? Yes he is. Should we blow zerberts on his tummy?
Sayer: HURRY THE HELL UP!

Claire_N_TurnipHead
Sawyer:if only we wasn't on this damn island we could take a friggin paternity test to see which one of us is this kids daddio.

stellaknows
Sawyer: I wish I had something to read on Surrealism so that I know what the **** Foinbean keeps yapping about.

Foinbean
Charlie:...Little deuce Coupe
You don't know what I got
Little deuce Coupe
You don't know what I got
Well I'm not braggin' babe so don't put me down
But I've got the fastest set of wheels in town
When something comes up to me he don't even try
Cause if I had a set of wings man I know she could fly
She's my little deuce coupe
You don't know what I got
(My little deuce coupe)
(You don't know what I got)

Sawyer:..WAAA aaWWAAAWAA WAAAA

Just a little deuce coupe with a flat head mill
But she'll walk a Thunderbird like (she's) it's standin' still
She's ported and relieved and she's stroked and bored.
She'll do a hundred and forty in the top end floored
She's my little deuce coupe
You don't know what I got
(My little deuce coupe)
(You don't know what I got)

Sawyer:..WHAAA aaAA WHAAWHAA WHAAAAA

She's got a competition clutch with the four on the floor
And she purrs like a kitten till the Lake pipes roar
And if that aint enough to make you flip your lid
There's one more thing, I got the pink slip, Daddy
And comin' off the line when the light turns green
Well she blows 'em outta the water like you never seen
I get pushed out of shape and it's hard to steer
When I get rubber in all four gears

Sawyer:...WOOO ooOO WOOOWOOO WOOOO

She's my little deuce coupe
You don't know what I got
(My little deuce coupe)
(You don't know what I got)
She's my little deuce coupe
You don't know what I got
(My little deuce coupe)
(You don't know what I got)
She's my little deuce coupe
You don't know what I got

Sawyer:..WHAAA aaa HAAHAA HAAA...ooowoooo...woohoowooohoooo...fade..

042078
Sawyer: If only there was a book club somewhere on the island to discuss this with...

Sazyga
Sawyer: Says here 10 to 12 minutes per pound. What do you make of him?
Charlie: Oh, about 7 pounds minus the load he just dropped.

PoeFan1
Sawyer: "Let's see, the recipe here says 1 gallon of water per pound of baby... Aaron is about 10 pounds...
Charlie: "I don't know, he's more like 15 pounds."

jae_tee
charlie - he has your eyes
sawyer - no he has your eyes

Sazyga
Sawyer: Do I smell hot biscuits?
Charlie: No, you smell air biscuits.
Sawyer: Huh?
Charlie: I ripped off a few while the baby was screaming.

justacoolguy36
Would you say that I'm more "angry and agressive" or "ambitious and passionate"?

Captain______Sandwich
Saywer: Charlie. Can you explain why is Hurley's underwear hanging on your wall ? !

042078
Charlie: Geez...when I said I was a bloody Rock god I didn't mean I was good at rocking babies.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Aaron: Damn, another scene with these two morons. If we don't hurry up and shoot the breastfeeding scenes with Emilie that they promised me, I'm going to fire my agent and crawl right the hell off of this show.

APACHI_05
Sawyer says: "let's see what's a 2 letter word for wet baby?"
Charlie: "That's easy, diaper change, which btw Saywer, you could use one too, you smell a little rank yourself.
Sawyer says: "That's not me, you idiot thats Aaron which smells like he did more than he's tellin."
Charlie: "True, but you get used to it after awhile.

Goony123
Sawyer: ". . . and Goldilocks said this chair is too soft, and this one is just ri. . ."
Charlie: "Erm. . . Sawyer, I think you can stop reading to Aaron now."
Sawyer: "Aww, is the little fella asleep?"
Charlie: "No. I, uh, I grabbed the wrong bundle. See, I've been swaddling a bunch of used nappies. Oy, this kid eats a lot, mate. If you need me, I'll be down in the ocean for bit."

Short Bits 2

Previously on Lost...

042078
jack: Hey man, you hittin that?

carl_the_irishman
Jack: "Lemmie guess... one of you is pregnant???"

Captain______Sandwich
Jack: OK HURLEY, Enough is ENOUGH! That is NOT what I look like when I cry.

LIONARTist
Jack: I told you two, not to drink the Diet Coke after eating the Mentos. Now you're both going to assplode and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it.

Sazyga
Jack: There. You're free.
Claire: Thank God!
Hurley: Dude, I thought that, like, only happened to dogs.

Jin-Rummy Edition
CAPSLOCKE
*jin tries to explain what happened with gestures*
SAWYER: they blindfolded you and made you play a game of "pin the tail on the drunken master"?

042078
Jin: Look, spaghetti arms. This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine. You gotta hold the frame. Now. Let's cha-cha.

Sazyga
Sawyer - I'll wait until they bring us some fanny wipes. Thanks, though.

Shaw-Shan Redemption Edition

kharmabites
Sawyer: Thinking
This move used to work on all the chicks at the movie theater. You've still got it Sawyer! She's checkin out your muscles!
Shannon: Thinking
God I need a manicure.

carl_the_irishman
Shannon: Nope, my abs are definitely harder than you biceps...
Sawyer: That's because plastic is harder than flesh, Barbie...

UMRMech
"No, I've never heard of a position called 'The Noisy Tree Frog' before."

CAPSLOCKE
SAWYER: you're on my stick, sticks
SHANNON: um... sticksticks? what's that?
SAWYER: stick comma sticks!

Trickle O' Sweat Edition

042078
Boone: I swear the Ads say it is strong enough for a man...why don't you at least TRY it?

llanoestacada
Boone: OK, OK. One more time around the terminal then you have to go back to your sweat lodge. People are starting to stare.

Empty_Cans
Locke: Boone! quick! push, I see it, my toupee flew over there ...

LIONARTist
Locke: "Who's got Schwedie Balls? ME, that's who!"

UMRMech
"And I still say that the lead in Lord of the Dance can go to someone in a wheelchair!"

Mousetrap Edition

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Kid: So how do we go about catching the mouse?
John throws a knife at the boy's head
John: We hunt.

zosogirl28
Don't tell me what I can't do!!!!!!!!!

MingoLeger
Locke: If you can master this, in about 10-15 years I'll show you how to open a hatch.

PoeFan1
Locke: No son, you don't use real cheese to catch the mouse. Ummmm... are you gonna eat that?

Rygc
Yep, I'm the world champion mousetrapper! I almost won an all-expense paid trip to a tropical island. Well, maybe next year!

hatch_n_sniff
Boy: Mister is that a boy mouse or a girl mouse? My mommy says all you have to do is put one girl mouse dancing around that pole and you'll catch all kinds of daddy mouses.

jonny4reel
hey mistor is this mowsetrap?
no you stupid kid its not now shoo

darien_ambrose
Boy: Look you old geezer. I told you I ain't interested in no stupid game. I asked you where I can find the blue vests.

BelleLP9
Man, even working at a box company would be a better job than this.

SHPdonsNoApparel
"I wish someone would just throw me out of a window"

Texashummingbird
Locke: Man, I really wanted that front door greeter job. Working in the toy dept. sucks.

BelleLP9
What do you think? Should I shave my head? In the flashforward, I look better with no hair than I do now. What's a flashforward? Oh, nevermind.

Action_Potential
Locke: "it's called Mousetrap. It's my favorite game. First you set the trap, then... when the mouse lands on the cheese wheel, your father steals your kidney, and never calls you again, and pushes you out of a window, and breaks your legs, and they won't let you on a walkabout adventure, and so your plane crashes on a deserted island, where there's a scary smoke monster and a whiny doctor who won't leave you alone, and you meet this bug-eyed guy who shoots you into a pit of skeletons, and then you get up and throw a knife at the rescue lady, and everyone hates you forever, YEAH REAL FUN GAME HUH?"

Action_Potential
John Locke Mousetrap commercial take 2!
Locke: "It's called mousetrap. It's my favorite game actually. I used to play it with my brother. First you set the trap, then you strap a little C4 here, and little C4 there, and then when the mouse lands on th...*KABOOM!*"
Cut!

Action_Potential
John Locke mousetrap commercial take 3!
Locke: "Hey kiddo, it's called mousetrap. It's my favorite game actually. First you set the trap, then you move the bucket over here, then you put this special paste I made under your eyes, then you enter into what we call "the sweat lodge", then zombie boone appears to you and takes to an airport and tells you someone is in danger, then you get all colonel bloody kurtz and you go into a cave to battle a polar bear, but your friend dies (it's all your fault btw) and you follow directions from the carvings of a stick that he left behind"
Cut!

SHPdonsNoApparel
Locke: "Normally you would put a metal ball in here, but if you don't have one, a kidney bean will do"

cmsmith68
Locke: Then you put a little vodka in this bucket, the mouse drinks it, it passes out, then ****BAM!!!!!*** you smash it with this Jesus Stick and bury it in a shallow grave.

hatch_n_sniff
You Locke?
Yeah…
You Roussoue's kid?
Yeah…
GAME ON!!!

hatch_n_sniff
Locke: Hey, Little Jimmy.You want to play Mousetrap? No, not after the way you just sunk my Battleship with a M-80 firecracker.

Texashummingbird
Locke: hey kid, put your quarter in here...the Mousetrap demands a sacrifice

hatch_n_sniff
Kid: So you're telling me if I don't catch this mouse every 108 minutes, what will happen??

Action_Potential
Locke: "It's called mousetrap. It's my favorite game. First you set the trap, and then you..."
Kid: "Umm is that a real dead mouse?"
Locke: "Well of course, the mousetrap demanded a sacrifice, kiddo."

appathetic_and_confused
Locke: What are you doing in the adult game section? No this is called spouse trap, not for kids.

Goony123
"First you drop this metal ball in here. That makes the boot kick up over here, which makes the marble roll down the chute onto the diver who THROWS HIS OWN SON OUT A WINDOW. OH DAD! I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY!!!! and then the cage drops down onto the mouse. Isn't that neat?"

bringingSazyback
Kid: Man, I told you, I just want to know where the bathroom is.
Locke: And I told you, just piss in this.

bringingSazyback
Locke: You and me are going to play a little game, see. A little game of Mousetrap.
Kid: But I don't wanna....
Locke: And the winner gets Helen, see? You got that? The loser walks away, right?
Kid: Who is...
Locke: Shut up, sit down, and pick a mouse.

bringingSazyback
Locke: I gotta special purpose. Want to see it?
Kid: MOM!

lockesladyluv
he's gonna tell me to pull his finger, i just know it.... and i have no idea where that finger's been....

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
John: If you think this big ol' hunk of plastic is fun, you should see this thing Helen has.
Kid: What?
John: Never mind. Man, I need to quit drinking during my lunch hour.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
John: No, kid, this is not a new game. This is an exact scale replica of my latest and greatest invention......Smoke Monster Trap!

TheGeoff
And I hear there's a doctor in Miami who can impregnate those daddy mouses.

rememberGoodwin
Ya see Jimmy, you can be one of three things. A hunter, a farmer or a mousetrapper. I know which I am Jimmy, and some day, some day, you'll know which you are too, Jimmy.

TheGeoff
Kid: It's a trap, right? For catching animals?
Locke: Hand me that glue over there.
Kid: I give up. What is it?
Locke: It's a cradle!

rememberGoodwin
Ya see Jimmy, mousetrap is a complicated game. Some ....might say it's science. That science makes the trap come down. But others.....they know it takes faith for the trap to come down at just the right moment.. You have to believe, Jimmy.....you have to believe the trap will fall when it's suppose to. There's a reason it falls Jimmy....we may not know it....but there's a reason. We have to believe it Jimmy.
(I am so reminded of Captain Kirk with Locke's dramatic pauses.)

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
John: ...and then you push the button every 108 minutes, which saves the world and keeps the mouse safe from the trap.
Kid: That doesn't sound like the same game my dad told me about.
ohn: Yeah, well you can't trust everything your dad tells you, trust me.

hatch_n_sniff
Locke: Tommy, can you hear me?
Tommy, can you see me?
You're a "Mousetrap Wizzard"

The_Deli_Llama
Locke "---Ssee how the mouse got its legs caught under the falling trap? It's called foreshadowing."

CoolHandLocke
Locke: "You're a cheater, kid. You think you can come in here and play mousetrap, and move the pieces as you please, and communicate with the outside world whenever you want to. You're a hypocrite, a pharisee, kid. You don't deserve to play this mousetrap. If you had ANY idea what this mousetrap was really like, if you had any idea about the MAGIC of mousetrap..."
Kid: "I'm just looking for my dad"

CoolHandLocke
Kid: "mister, mister, help me, i lost my mommy!"
Locke: "Don't worry, the mousetrap will tell us what to do"

CoolHandLocke
Locke: "mousetrap is the greatest game in the world. Do you wanna know a secret, Walt?"
Kid: "My name is Brian"

Rocc_Holliday
Locke: The Others have infiltrated Walmart, I must enter 77.
kid: dab si nottub eht ,nottub eht hsup t'nod

Rocc_Holliday
Locke: why do you find it so hard to play this game?
kid: why do you find it so easy?
Locke: IT'S NEVER BEEN EASY!!

fedrich519
Hey Mister, aren't you a little old to be working here?

French Translation Edition

cmsmith68
Shannon: What does C A T spell?

LIONARTist
Shannon (thinking to herself): "I can't believe it. Whenever all my other boyfriends said they wanted to do homework together, it meant they wanted to make out. But this guy ACTUALLY wants to do homework"

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
Shannon..lets see..uumm...Un Pingouin...penguin,,i think...and aaa,,un kangourou..aaa.. geezz..oh! Kangaroo!..and aaaa..et un pre'tre..ooh..aaaa,, uumm..a priest!!.. yea a priest!!!...marchez dans un cafe'..marchez dans un cafe"..waa..waalk in ..to ..aaa uum cafe!
..A penguin, a Kangaroo and a priest walk into a bar,,,
Sayid.." Yes ! Yes! Go On Go on!"

hatch_n_sniff
"Wow, these Dharma Initiative Entrance Exams are tough."

talkswithhands
Sayid: Now remember Shannon, this has to be completely confidential!
Shannon: Yes, I realize that Sayid. Our safety would certainly be in danger if the truth got out!
Sayid: Okay, which threads are going today? Being the moderators for the General Board IS sure a difficult job.

rememberGoodwin
Not even being stuck on a deserted island can stop these soduko fanatics.

rememberGoodwin
The Losties had been on the island for soooo long it was necessary to create a planning department.
Sayid's paper: Your proposal for a tent expansion has been denied. Pelase refer to section 42a, which states no tent shall interfer with beach accessability and beach views of established tents in the camp.

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
Sayid..." Not so fast Shannon.. make sure I got that rite,,How,,do,, you,,keep,,,a,,, blonde,,busy"

Action_Potential
Sayid: Say, Shannon, what's another word for pirate treasure?
Shannon: Um, booty?

PoeFan1
Geico $250.00
Progressive $200.00
AIG $195.00
Shannon thinking: Why doesn't Hurley review his own stupid Dharma van insurance quotes!
Sayid thinking: Hurley promised I could use the Dharma van to take Shannon parking if I helped him with these insurance quotes.

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
Sayid.." psst Shannon...do you think any one will wonder where we got fresh pencils from?
Shannon.." not only the pencils,, but Sharpened Pencils!,,shhh. just act like nothings abnormal..no one will notice.."

llanoestacada
Shannon: "What? Over $200 for "Soul Glo"? We can't keep this up.
Sayid: "And $250 for peticures. Perhaps you could cut back to once a month?

lockesladyluv
shannon: i think he likes me... i mean really likes me in a likes likes me sort of way... he is kinda cute and he does have nice eyes... i guess anything would be better that that queer little step brother of mine or that old geezer who eats rats... maybe he'll ask me to the dance this friday down by the bamboo grove... maybe he'll kiss me and we'll fall in love and have lots of island babies...
sayid: she's skinny but i'd do her...

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
Shannon..." Le cheval de Locke n'a pas eu un mouvement d'entrailles..I.. I have no idea what that means Sayid.."
Sayid.." I suspect Locke is rite in the middle of all this.."

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Shannon: Sayid, did you just give me a map that leads to the zipper on your pants?
Sayid: Indeed, I did. I have something I would like you to do, so I thought I'd draw you a map. I got the idea from Henry Gale and Anna Lucia.
Shannon: Henry Gale and Anna Lucia? Who are they?
Sayid: We haven't met them yet, but they'll both be around in a few months time.
Shannon: Wait a minute. If we haven't met them, how did you get the map idea from them?
Sayid: I saw it in a flash forward.
Shannon: Flash forward? I thought we only had flash backs?
Sayid: No, no, you stupid harlot. Flash backs are so yesterday. Flash forwards are all the rage now, pretty soon we'll all be having them.
Shannon: I'm confused.
Sayid: Yes, I'm sure you are. Here, follow this map to my zipper and you will find the answers you seek.
Shannon: Well, OK, if you say so.
Sayid: (thinking) I love this island.

TheGeoff
Sayid: Can you read this? What does it say?
Shannon: To whom it may concern, we are survivors of Flight 815. We have survived on this island for 80 days. There's also some Scottish guy who was not on the plane. He claims he has lived through this before, and says he knows I'm going to die. But I don't believe him. There's no such thing as time travel, right?

TheGeoff
Shannon: I can't believe what this says!
Sayid: What does it say?
Shannon: Snape just told Harry--
Sayid: No! I don't want to hear any Harry Potter spoilers! Let me enjoy the book without knowing what will happen!

darien_ambrose
Shannon: Oh....my gawd. You get your tank tops at the same store I do.

darien_ambrose
Shannon: Sayid, this is just a map of the holes you're going to dig. And why is this one labeled with my name?
Sayid: Please, focus on translating.
Shannon: You did get that tank top at the same store I did..the one in Paris. You lyer...you've been in France.
Sayid: Time to dig your hole.

Action_Potential
Sayid: According to my calculations, the distance from the pirate treasure at location X squared + Y squared, take the square root of that and divide it by iteration time over a period of 16 years, means that I shall be finding Shannon's booty by approximately supper time tonight....
Shannon: Um, did you just say something?
Sayid: Just keep translating.

hatch_n_sniff
Sayid attempts to build a humanoid with leftover body parts and electronics from the crash. Blonde and beautiful, his creation only lacks a left arm and brain.

gretchielost
Sayiede: And what does that look like to you?
Shannon, looking at ink blot: An Arabic man and a blond bimbo playing patty cake.
Sayiede: Mmmmm

avoidnwork
Shannon to Sayid: Are you sure we still have to do taxes?

talkswithhands
Sayid: Hmmm, what do you think Shannon? should we allow them to say a $ $ or is that too risque'?
Shannon: no a$$ is fine. But if they EVER say "Mods are clods" again...
Both: IP BANNED FOR SURE!

Cheezeee
Shannon: at least you're a better tutor thn Jack. He used to wipe his tears before he handed me the sheet.

kharma_bites
Shannon:
Huh, my horoscope says I'm going to be in a hole soon.
Sayid:
Funny, so does mine.

talkswithhands
Sayid: Look Shannon, if you ever want to get ahead in life, you need a college education. You know that Dharma U. only accepts the best students, so just keep studying for your ACTs.
Shannon: Whatever.

TheGeoff
The last show I was on, we had to memorize our lines. It's so much easier when they let us read them!

Rocc_Holliday
Shannon: the electrical jargon for this radio is just so damn confusing . . .
Sayid: that's because you're reading the spanish side

appathetic_and_confused
Shanon: whats this? Oh, Kama sutra.....
Sayid: it's upside down
Shanon: (turns upside down) Kinky!

Another Day, Another Wardrobe Crisis...Again....

darien_ambrose
Desmond: I can't believe I'm actually in Godspell.

CoolHandLocke
"The universe has a way of course correcting and -- and I can't stop it forever. I'm sorry. I'm sorry because no matter what I try to do, I'm gonna lose my shirt inexplicably again, Annie!"

General_Board
By the time we got to Woodstock, we were half a million strong.

zosogirl28
A shirtless Desmond makes the world go 'round!

shootingstar815
Desmond leads the Charlie Pace Fan Club to their next meeting.

rememberGoodwin
Ok, casual, casual. When I catch up to them I have to be casual. Ok. 'Hi your him'. No, too much. 'Hey, aren't you'. Better, ok. Don't rush to questions about the flashforwards, slowly, get them in slowly. Don't scare him off, he has to know something about the flashforwards.

hatch_n_sniff
To the right of picture:
Memorial cross where Mikile was killed in a motocycle accident.
To the left of the picture:
Memorial cross where Mikile died from being struck by a bus.
Down the road on the right:
Memorial cross where Mikile died from an unknown object falling from the sky.

OneArmyedDonkey
The beach can't be much further now!

talkswithhands
Woman thinking: Oh man, I am gonna end up with a farmer tan if I can't get my sleeves rolled up...
Des thinking: dumb tourists

grannieindisguise
A shirtless Desmond makes the world go 'round!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*thud*
sound of fangirl striking pavement

Action_Potential
Crazy Lost fan: "DESMOND! HEY DESMOND! I'm from the future, brotha! Wait for me! I love you Desmond!"
Henry's wife: "Who's that, honey?"
Henry: "Don't turn around, just keep walking, just keep walking and laughing"

hatch_n_sniff
Des' one son yells to the other, "Wait up Brotha."

llanoestacada
Working with Juliet, Des surreptitiously collects and successfully clones some Olsen twin DNA changing the chromosome.
Desmond: "He he...I'll never have to work another day of my life!"

darien_ambrose
Desmond: teehheee...Ah, I love a semi-nudist colony. It's not completely nude and not completely clothed.

shootingstar815
Dez flashes back to the early years of the Suite Life of Zack and Cody.

SHPdonsNoApparel
Desmond: "That one up in the front - he may have your feet, but he's got My chest. Tell er' laddie"

LncshrLassinMI
Jogger: What are the odds?.....I borrow my brother's shorts to go for a quick jog, and who do I run into.......
If I pull my shirt over my head, perhaps noone will recognize me.........
Photographer: Look behind him.... Angelina!!!!

captainaeon
Des thinks "I flash back, I flash forward, I flash into an alternative universe. But no matter where I flash, Damon Lindeloff is still following me!!!"

radioactive_4
I get fired from the set of Sex in the City because those girls steal the wardrobe ... There's no way I'm losing this job! ... I'm getting those pants off him no matter what!

lost826fan
You mean there's someone else in the picture besides Desmond???

hatch_n_sniff
"I love being Desmond's son. I had a 17 year old girl ask me to sign her bare bun cheecks. "

042078
Were there no scissors as well as no hairbrushes?

Rocc_Holliday
chick in the back talking to herself: "I'm not British, so why does he keep calling me Super Nanny?"
Des: "Hurry up, Supah Nanny!"
chick: I wonder if he's ever seen The Hand That Rocks the Cradle . . .

CoolHandLocke
"Ever since I turned the failsafe key, I keep getting these flashes of me and you walking down a road while being chased by a jogging female terminator from the future!"

hatch_n_sniff
Sawyer: "Ain't that cute. It's Dr. and Mrs. Seuess with Thing One and Thing Two."

LIONARTist
Kids on bikes: "What's the buzz? Tell me what's a happening. What's the buzz?...tell me what's happening...."
Des: "Please tell them to stop singing that song, dear. I am NOT Jesus"
Wife: "Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you, oh.
Don't you know
Everything's alright, yes, everything's fine.
And we want you to sleep well tonight.
Let the world turn without you tonight.
If we try, we'll get by, so forget all about us toniiiiight"
Des: "Lord, help me"

lucky4me8
Alternate Course Course Correction / Flash-Forward # 13:

Desmond has a barrow in the market place,
Molly is the singer in a band.
Desmond says to Molly "girl I like your face" --
And Molly says this as she takes him by the hand.
Obladi oblada life goes on brahh...La la how the life goes on.

Desmond takes a trolley to the (same) jewelry store...
Buys a twenty carat golden ring (this time, for Molly).
Takes it back to Molly waiting at the door.
And as he gives it to her she begins to sing.
Obladi oblada life goes on brahhh...La la how the life goes on.

In a couple of years they have built a home sweet home,
With a couple of kids running in the yard,
Of Desmond and Molly Jones...

hatch_n_sniff
Boys: "Great, Dad's taking us out on the boat. By the time we got back last time our hair was past our waist."

Rygc
Thinking: "I am just going to march up to him and ask him............darn right............and he'd better tell me if they're really in freakin' purgatory!!!"
To Desmond: "Oh, excuse me, sir, you are my biggest fan!!" Dang, I blew it again! I am so pathetic!

angel_isthecenterfold
Des: **flashes a grin and says with a swagger** Why yes, I am Jesus. But the abc folks still insist that i have an undercover bodyguard at all times. Oh well. Meet Delilah.
Did you see me in the Gospel of John ...

More Eyeshadow! Stat!

cmsmith68
Jack: Boar's blood makes excellent rouge! Here, let me rub a little on your cheek.

TheGeoff
As soon as I'm done screwing the head on, it will look just like her!

captainaeon
Jack--'Uh, Kate, why didn't you tell me you had superglue on your face before I touched it???'
Kate thinks Mwaaaaaahaha! At last, he is mine!!!

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
..let me have a look here,, uh huh..uh huh...Just as i thought!..Sawyer really needs to get his hickey placement together..

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
you sure Kate??!! Are You Sure??
Yes Jack..
No, seriously Kate, Are you sure??
Jack relax,, absolutely no handcuffs were involved..

LIONARTist
Jack: "Are you sure you've been tested for ALL the various STDs? This looks an awful lot like......"
Kate: "I swear, it's just a cut from the crash!"

LIONARTist
Kate thinking to herself: "Oh....my.....gawd. Is that the same finger I just saw him scratching his butt with?"

Action_Potential
Jack: Smell my finger, what does it smell like, kate?
Kate: *Sign* Fishbiscuits

Addicted_To_Love
Jack: Awwww Kate...I'm gonna cry!!
**tears up...booohooo**
Kate: You really are a wimp!

lockesladyluv
if you taste me i'll taste you

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
.Kate I warned you about Julie.. Heck ,One time She coldcocked me into Charlietown..
..Charlietown??
..Omg,,is Dez lurking somewhere around here?

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
..Ya doin great Kate!,,Keep yur guard up and keep that left jab workin!!Okay!!,, Jab ! Jab! Jab!,,A few more and Charlie will out for the count!!...

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
..Yep.. tree Frog Kiss..geez Kate,, is there anything that doesn't luv you?

appathetic_and_confused
If you turn your head like this you look like slyvester stalone

Rygc
Jack: Me? A vampire? No, I just want to kiss you on the neck, Kate......you've been watching too many horror flicks.
Kate: Then why do you have fangs, Jack?
Jack: It was Bernard. He said it would attract the ladies. Nice job, huh? Now, this won't hurt a bit, Kate..............

back_gammon
LOL! Fangs like this?!


Rygc
I like it, I like it! Love the eyebrows, too! Jack has never looked better.

rememberGoodwin
Heard from behind Jack, slowly getting louder as he gets closer. and closer....
Jack...JACK....Stop Jack.....I'm the dentist here! Jack, come on, your not a dentist I am! It's all I have Jack, it's the only thing I can do, let me do it. I need to do this Jack. For Rose's sake, I need to be the dentist.

Short Bits 1

Woe, Thy Name is Juliet

captainaeon
No, there isn't an island full of disfunctional plane crash survivors and evil Others under my fingernail! That's just crazy...

MissingPlane
OOooh..i wish that ant on the floor would SHUT UP!

MissingPlane
..ETHAN!! ETHAN,,not,,a good time..for banging ..on the ..pipes.. NOT!

MissingPlane
,,OH CRAP!! I forgot to lock the cages!!

LIONARTist
Ryan Seacrest is not in my bed. Ryan Seacrest is not in my bed. Ryan Seacrest is not in my bed. OMG! Ryan Seacrest IS in my bed. It was only 3 long island ice teas...HOW IN THE WORLD COULD THIS HAPPEN!

CAPSLOCKE
"doh! i just watched the pilot episode like 20 times in slow motion, and now you tell me that this missed clue was a hoax?!"

Orientation

UMRMech
"Alright Ben, I say that this is the red one. But I really don't see why I have to go through all of this just for another piece of French Toast."

silverhalo1217
"You want me to pin the tail on your what?!?!"

Patchcrazy
You can tell I'm related to Sun because my hairstyle is the same. All the answers are in the background!! keep looking for easter eggs!"

MissingPlane
Headline:..GEORGE FINALLY IDENTIFIED!!

justacoolguy36
behind the scenes footage of how Paulo and Nikki got picked to be the new characters.

Hush, Hush, Sweet Ethan

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts

As a contestant in the first ever Dharma Talent Show, Ethan Rom does his impression of rapper Eminem in the movie 8 Mile:

Ethan: You better lose yourself in the jungle, we're Dharma, we'll harm ya, we're never gonna let you go. You only had one shot, but John Locke decided to blow the submarine all to hell and now you're stuck here, yo.

Ben: ::off camera:: I'll be so glad when we get to the episode where Charlie kills him.

Smells Like Boone Spirit

silverhalo1217
Boone: Oh, p-friggin-u! Jack, did you just cut one?

llanoestacada
Boone: "Yes, right up there on the left a bit. A big, black, swoopy thingy."
Jack: "I don't know, Boone. Looked like a CGI aritfact to me."

LIONARTist
Boone: "How's this, Jack? *Sniffle* Ugghhh-ugghhh"
Jack: "Not bad. But you have to put more emotion into it, and the tears really have to flow. Try not to make too much noise either. Crying is more believeable if it's silent. You get more sympathy that way"
Boone: "Thanks, Jack. You're a great teacher"

darien_ambrose
Jack: We just need two more metrosexuals and then we can call our band Duran Duran!
Boone: Uh, man! I smell like I sound.

Rygc
Boone: Well, pilgrim, looks like we'll have to put the wagons in a circle."
Jack: Ooo, ooo, don't tell me.............William Shatner? Chuck Norris?

llanoestacada
Boone: "Doc, my arm hurts when I do this."
Jack: "Don't do that."
Ba da bump.

Rygc
Jack: Ewwww! Use a tissue, will ya?
Boone: You should talk! Have you seen how filthy your face is?

darien_ambrose
Jack: I'm not sure if it's the result of our plane crashing or that this island manipulates time...but it's like I'm looking at myself 10 years younger.
Boone: I'm in love with my sister.

PoeFan1
Boone: I really need a kleenex, my nose is running like crazy!
Jack: Ewwww, now your arm hair is going to be all sticky!

MingoLeger
Boone: Jack, I'm really scared! Who knows what we might find on this island! There might be crazy French women with rifles! Or people who wear fake beards and capture children! Or mysterious hatches! Or black smokey monster thingies, or . . . . .
Jack: I'm in love with your sister too.

foom2
"Ughhhh Hurley if your gonna cut the cheese at least warn us"!

rememberGoodwin
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning. Don't you?"
"No."

Leah173
Jack: [about Kate] I'll give this little cookie an hour before we're doing the no-pants dance. Time to musk up.
Boone: Wow. Never ceases to amaze me. What cologne you gonna go with? London Gentleman, or wait. No, no, no. Hold on. Blackbeard's Delight.
Jack: No, she gets a special cologne... It's called Sex Panther by Odeon. It's illegal in nine countries... Yep, it's made with bits of real panther, so you know it's good.
Boone: It's quite pungent.
Jack: Oh yeah.
Boone: It's a formidable scent... It stings the nostrils. In a good way.
Jack: Yep.
Boone: Jack, I'm gonna be honest with you, that smells like pure gasoline.
Jack: They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time it works, every time.
Boone: That doesn't make sense.
Jack: Well... Let's go see if we can make this little kitty purr.

Goony123
Jack: "Look, for the last time, I have the ascot so I get to be Fred. Now get over here and be my Daphne."

Rygc
Boone: Gag! We gotta dig us a new latrine, Jack. That's just nasty!
Jack: I'll go tell Sayid to dig a deeper hole...........

TheGeoff
Jack: There's a lot in this wreckage. Maybe we'll find something useful.
Boone: Let's try to find my watch.

LIONARTist
Jack: "For God's sake, Boone, USE A KLEENEX! Didn't your parents ever teach you how to wipe your nose?!! Is that the same hand you eat with?!! I think you're making me sick. I mean it, you are really making me want to hurl."

Say "Cheese" Edition

MingoLeger
Guy behind the doctor in the grey robe: Hey everyone! I found a peep hole to the women's showers!!!!!

bringingSazyback
Doc: Say queso!
Hurley: Dude, just cause I'm latino.....that's not cool.
Doc: Okay, say cheese!
Hurley: That's kind of mean you know. I've got a plate of rabbit food here. I'd kill for some cheese. And ranch dressing. A big vat of ranch dressing, right here in the chair next to me, so I can dip my rabbit food in it. THAT would make me smile my a** off man.
Doc: Okay okay, I'm just going to count to three. 1....2....3
Leonard: 4! 4 8 15 16 23 42 4 8 15 16 23 42
Hurley: Now look at what you did.

grannieindisguise
Dave? Dave's not here.

Rygc
Hey, Dave, can I take your picture? Who's your visible friend?

cmsmith68
Hugo, this is for the before photo spread.

Queen_of_Slack
Dave, could you move in a little closer to Hurley?

darien_ambrose
Ok, just one more photo for Nurse Ratched's album.
Leonard: I'm not just talking about my wife, I'm talking about my LIFE, I can't seem to get that through to you. I'm not just talking about one person, I'm talking about everybody. I'm talking about form. I'm talking about content. I'm talking about interrelationships. I'm talking about God, the devil, Hell, Heaven. Do you understand... FINALLY?

bringingSazyback
Hurley: So.....what's this for again?
Doc: Just a picture Hugo. I need to show you something.
Hurley: Dude, there is no bird living in my hair.
Doc: There is! Everytime I have you in session it pokes it's feathery little head out and gestures at me with it's tiny little wing, and I know it's flipping me off, I just know it! And I am going to prove it! Say cheese you little.....
Hurley: (to Leonard) Something tells me this guy is about to huck a water fountain out the window lol.

bringingSazyback
Hurley: Doc, why are you holding Dennis against the wall with your hiney?
Doc: He won't stay out of the shot.
Dennis: mmffff
Hurley: I don't think he can breathe dude.
Doc: He's fine .
Dennis: MMFFFFFF!!!!

Rocc_Holliday
Hurley: "dude, check out my new tat! get a picture of it!!"
Doc: "alright, flash the camera. I swear Crazy People Gone Wild will be a hit!"

Rygc
Hurley: You know, Dave, I'm getting pretty fed up with the paparazzi! You grab his camera and I'll deck him.....count of three.........

Sawyers_Sidekick
Sex addict Steve is at it again! This time he humps the door!

lockesladyluv
hey doc, you're zipper's open.....

TheGeoff
Photographer: It's Jorge Garcia! The Enquirer will pay me thousands of dollars for this photo!
Jorge Garcia: Go away, we're in the middle of filming a scene!

talkswithhands
Photog: ...and you will be the plus size model for this season's "Who will be America's Next Top PJ Model. Miss J is gonna loooove you!"

ImZira
Dr. ...."Yeah baby that's it! Work it for me!"
(Aside to assistants) "Hey guys-turn on the wind machine!"
"Yeah- that's hot! I've never worked with more sultry celery! "

Rygc
Dave, would you stop making that V sign over Hurley's head??

Six-Pack Abs Edition

TheGeoff
Jack: You get Boone down here! Get him here right now, and if I'm drunker than he is, you can fire me!

Action_Potential
Boone: "Dont wanna sound like I suffer from lack of faith here John, but it just seems weird that the island would want me to get drunk in my underwear, that's all I'm saying"

hatch_n_sniff
OMG !!!!! ......... Boone only has four toes on his right foot.

General_Board
"Are you sure this is what they meant by 'product placement?'"

MingoLeger
Boone: 99 bottles of beer on the wall . . . . . . .

SHPdonsNoApparel
Person taking picture: Ian, is that a heini in your hand or are you just happy to see me?

Rygc
It'll make your career, they said. You inherit a big company and sleep with your half-sister, they said. Just sign on the bottom line, they said. Wha' happened? I needs another beer.

Rygc
So I've taken a role on a new show called 'LOST'.........what's it about? Well, from what I understand, a plane crash on a mysterious island, a polar bear, a smoke monster and a doctor who cries alot. I figure the island is just an analogy for Purgatory. They're gonna be so glad they hired me. Yup, (swigs his beer and burps) I got it made, man!

rememberGoodwin
Creeaaaakk.....opens door to the room......step step......walks in a little and looks around then straight ahead.......Hm. So this purgatory?.....puts hands on hips.... Better than I thought. I think I can stay here awhile.

OneArmyedDonkey
Boone: in best Anna Nicole Smith Voice ~~"Do you like my bodday?"~~

_Sasquatch_
Got Daddy issues?

Action_Potential
"Schwing!"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ian: I can't believe it. I thought I was lock to be in 300 after Rodrigo pulled some strings and got me an audition. "Your body isn't good enough to play a Spartan", they said. "We might be able to use you as a female extra", they said. Oh well, I still have the two LOST flashbacks coming up, that's something. Oh who am I kidding? I'm a loser, a has-been.........I need another beer.

LIONARTist
Boone: "They say that you really only rent beer. I just decided to skip the middle man"

kharma_bites
Boone: What? The doc said to put something cold on it to help the swelling!

llanoestacada
*Boone's mom, banging on wall from other room(*
"Stop that or you'll go blind!"
dontlookatme
'... This beer would taste better if it was related to me..."

_Sasquatch_
"I got Jack all those pens, and then I got shannon to help, and I tried to use CPR but couldn't do it right...and no one appreciate me...*gulp gulp*"

_Sasquatch_
"after that crappy dharma beer this stuff is amazing!"

MingoLeger
Boone: I run my mother's wedding business. What the heck did you THINK I'd be drinking? Too bad these bottles don't come with little umbrellas.

Lamson Tube Edition

General_Board
Sawyer: "Look Doc, all I'm sayin' is, if DHARMA coulda read your handwriting on that prescription, maybe the suppositories they sent wouldn't be this big."

hatch_n_sniff
Sawyer: What is it Doc?
Jack: It's pictures of us with some sort of captions written alongside. Hey these guys are good; Back Gammon, Mingo,Lionartist,Geoff and a bunch of others.

rememberGoodwin
Ok Dude, act innocent....they don't know this pile of thermoses is one of your stashes. Just act cool....they didn't see the pile of matching lunchboxes....just act surprised and don't make eye contact.....be cool.....they'll just think it's the Others, they do a lot of weird stuff.

darien_ambrose
Jack reading his fortune: You will meet with a big surprise.
Hurley: You gotta say "in bed" at the end.

Bullet_Proof_Breast
Jack reading notebook: "'I have been observing the doctor from the crash...he seems to cry a lot...' wtf? I don't cry a lot!"
Hurley: "Dude, you really do..."
Kate: "You do cry a lot Jack..."
Sawyer: "You give Meryl Streep a run for her money there, doc."

BelleLP9
I'm sick of reading these "report violation" reports............we've got real problems to deal with!!

LIONARTist
Jack: "It says "Dear Mr. Abrams, thank you for your submission. But we are not accepting any scripts at this time. Especially not scripts about strange occurances on an island in the south Pacific". It's signed, "Rupert Murdock". What could that mean?"

TheGeoff
According to this map, the big pile of tubes with papers in them should be 108 paces ahead. Kate, get up, we're almost there!

MingoLeger
Jack: This one says, "HELP! I'm being held captive on this island in a perfectly lovely community with air conditioning, running water, a game room and a book club, but I want to go home to my sister!!!!!"
Sawyer: Yeah, right.
Kate: She's probably a b!tch.
Hurley: Hey, think there are any Apollo bars in these?

OneArmyedDonkey
Sawyer: Let's grab Michael and build a tube raft

TheGeoff
Sawyer: No, don't open the tubes!
Kate: There's a piece of paper in each one, and they each have a word or two on them.
Sawyer: Don't read them!
Kate: Stay Puft ... Dr. Quinn ... Captain Arab ... Mr. Clean ...
Hurley: Dude, those are the nicknames you've been calling us! Someone's sending them to you!
Sawyer: You didn't really think I came up with them on my own, did you, over ... weight ... man?

mlj2298
Jack: These are all filled with naked pictures of your mom Sawyer.
Sawyer: WHAT????
Hurley: Dude........that's messed up.

back_gammon
Jack: It's another one about who is in the coffin.
Sawyer: Son of a bitch.

darien_ambrose
Jack: It's all the deleted L.O.S.T threads.
Sawyer: Now do you see who we're up against?

llanoestacada
Jack (reading): "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." It says that over and over again?
Hurley: "Whoever it is, they must know you!"

rememberGoodwin
Jack: Dear Santa, I've been very good this year. I want a new dolly and a skateboard for my brother.
Hmm, so this is where the post offices send all those letters.

cmsmith68
Hurley: Any Mr. Cluck's in any of these tubes?

darien_ambrose
Jack: It says here on my cable bill ~service fee~, I mean it's on here twice...what exactly is a "service fee" anyways?
Sawyer: You know that crappy tv remote they give ya? where half the buttons don't work? Well it means they're charging you rent every month for it.

Rygc
Kate: I can't believe it..............all these freakin' tubes say "Sorry, try again". I never win anything!
Hurley: Consider yourself lucky........
Sawyer: Freckles, even if you win, how you gonna collect? They ain't bringing you a free coffee all the way out here.

radioactive_4
Sawyer: Looks like this island need to have it's tubes tied.
Hurley: Tubular dude!

Bullet_Proof_Breast
Jack: "I wonder why Dharma felt the need to drop ship all these tubes of vagisil out here?
Sawyer: "Why do you find it so hard to believe they'd do that?"
Jack: "Why do find it so easy?!?!?!?"

ALDILA
Hurley: And all along I thought the Others recycled.

ALDILA
Jack: So this is where all the lost checks at the bank are.

OneArmyedDonkey
Hurley: One of these has to have a dollar in it!

darien_ambrose
Kate: hee-hee-ha, we're all wearing backpacks...what are the odds?

ginnyphreak
kate-they used these at the bank i robbed.
jack-what? why can't i meet a normal girl
kate-oops

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
JACK,," Dear Damon and Carlton,,,Why doesn't Hurley lose any weight?..How come Kate is always dirty? What is up with Sawyer always being a d i c k? And whats up with Jacks tat? .."..

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: It says, "Dear Mr. Shephard, we need to speak to you immediately about your unpaid loan. According to our records, you have been out of medical school for 8 years and have yet to make a single payment. Please contact us immediately to settle this account. Sincerely, Sallie Mae."
Sawyer: Son of a b!tch.
Kate: How in the hell did you find you on an island that can't be detected?
Hurley: Dude, I would offer to help you out, but apparently I can't trust you to pay me back either.

TheGeoff
Jack: These are the suggestions fans wrote in.
Sawyer: We can't read all of them! Pick one at random, Freckles.
Kate: Stop airing reruns.
Hurley: We can do that. Just go nine months without airing any episodes at all. What does the next one say?
Kate: Explain Jack's tattoos.

VeiledLaughter
Sawyer: "Alright, Jack. You're the doctor. Why does Kate keep pooping out these tubes?"
Hurley: "Aww, dude, I just stepped in one."

TheGeoff
Jack: What did you find, Kate?
Kate: Nothing, just a series of tubes.
Hurley: Dude, didn't you know that some senator said the internet is a series of tubes? We found the internet!
Sawyer: Well, what are you waiting for? Send this senator's office an internet. Unless someone's downloading ten movies, it should get there by Friday!

Rygc
Kate: (laughing hysterically) Tubes! Tubes! I found them and they're ALL MINE!!! Ah hahahahaha! All mine, I tell ya....
Hurley: But I shared the food with you...at least let me open one.
Sawyer: Come on, Freckles, give the dude a tube.
Kate: What'll you give me for it, Hurley? And no, not a ride in a net........
Jack: (cries) (What else?)

lockesladyluv
if you are reading this note, you may be standing in the middle of the largest pile of plastic rabbit poooo left here by the world's largest blow-up bunny.... congratulations! grab the shovel and start digging!

The Crying Game Edition

BelleLP9
OK, the obvious:
*Jack thinking to himself* "Phew..........I really need some deodorant."

rememberGoodwin
Dude, I told you, I don't want to play charades. Why don't you get Locke, he said one of the Others played it with him. Ok. Fine (sigh) You're the Phantom of the Opera.

Rygc
Jack: Ew-w-w-w-w-w-w. Hurley, that one's got hang time!
Hurley: Sorry, dude, it's the combination of the ranch dressing and the Apollo bars.

LncshrLassinMI
Jack: OK, Hurley, I'll count to a hundred......you hide and I'll come and find you.
Hurley: (Rolls eyes) Whatever you say, dude.......just stop crying!

MingoLeger
Jack (crying, of course): B NE!!! Paul !!! CH LLY!!! T M!!!!
Hurley: Hey, what about Shannon, Libby and AnaLucia? They're dead too!
Jack: who?
Hurley: Ummmm . . . . looks like the Skaters are gonna win after all.

Rygc
Jack: And then (sob,sob) I turned my daddy in for being drunk in the operating room...........(wipes nose on his arm)
Hurley: Ya, well, I gotta go.....er......wash my hair, or something.

SHPdonsNoApparel
Jack: Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.
Hurley: Um, Dude, I just asked how you were doing.

talkswithhands
Jack finds a holistic way to keep from "crying his eyes out". (Literally, they were falling out of his head.)
Hurley hurled.

OneArmyedDonkey
Jack: I can't stop crying!
Hurley: That time of the month?

Rygc
Hurley: Yep, I did the nasty with Kate before Sawyer did. And Juliette sneaks into my tent every night. Geez, it's so hard to be sexy!
Jack: Stop, stop, it's been so long since anyone has come to my tent............

___smitty___
Jack: it's smitty's birfday and i am stuck on this island!
Hurley: Dude, she doesn't even like you anyway......

llanoestacada
Hurley:"Look dude, if you're going to lead this group you're going to have to pull yourself together, man."
Jack: "I know, it's just the cumulative weight of managing the shifting dynamics of all the diverse personalities in a evolving enviornment."
Hurley: "Whatever".
Jack: "Thanks, man."
Hurley: "No problem."

Rygc
Jack: I think I just leaned in some bird poo - is there some on my elbow?
Hurley: Nope, your elbow is the only clean spot on your body, dude. Hit the showers, will ya?

PoeFan1
Jack: Hurley for goodness sake! Say it don't spray it!!!
Hurley: Sorry, dude. I just ate a mango.

OneArmyedDonkey
Jack: See, it helps if I wipe like this...
Hurley: You still stink Jack

Bullet_Proof_Breast
Jack: "sob sob sob"
Hurley: "Dude, all I said was 'I ate the last of the bananas'! Why do you find it so hard to keep yourself together?
Jack: "WHY DO YOU FIND IT SO EASY!?!??!?! Bananas.............. "

talkswithhands
Hurley: nyuck, nyuck, nyuck
Jack: Poke me in the eye again Hurley and I'll... oh, I know try it on Sawyer. He's nothin' but a stooge anyway!

Goony123
Jack: "What is this, a new tattoo? I don't remember seeing this one in the first season!"

Goony123
Hurley thinking: "Maybe if I stand reeaall stil, Jack will think I'm a tree."
Jack: ". . . eighteen... nineteen... twenty...Ready or not, hear I co... Hurley! I can see you standing there."
Hurley: "Dude, this game sucks."

hatch_n_sniff
Hurley: Who's up for a game of pocket pool, I'll go first.
Jack: No.....no.......No!!!!!!!!!!!!

llanoestacada
Jack: "And, touching Juliet, make blessed my rude hand. Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night."
Hurley: "Whoa Dude, did that work?"
Jack: "Then she slapped me!"

LIONARTist
Jack: "An then...*sniff*...an then, Sawyer, *Uh*....Sawyer, he hit me with a piece of this big stick...*sniff*......an Jin.....Jin....he was lookin at me....*sob*.....real mean, an Charlie called me a big doody-pants...... *sob*........ an nobody will play wif me anymore....waaaahhhh!"
Hurley: " I hate these time shifts"

TheGeoff
Stop crying. All I said is "ABC.com will be transitioning to new message boards. You will be able to view your messages on this board after the transition. We will provide new links and a FAQ after the transition is complete."

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: ::sniff, sniff:: Man, this shirt stinks. I think I need to do some laundry.
Hurley: Uhm, yeah, dude.....that's not a shirt you're wearing. When you get dressed this morning, you were still kinda sleepy and accidently grabbed a pair of my dirty boxer shorts. You think I can get those back?

lockesladyluv
count to 108 without using the numbers and i have to hide?? where's a person of my size going to hide on this craphole island????

Rocc_Holliday
Jack: I can't see! it's so . . . . white!
Hurley: that purple is funky

The_Bionic_Guy
Jack : "I'm the hooded claw!"
Hurley: "Dude,you forgot your cape."

Where the Others Go

Action_Potential
"Say hi to Jacob for me!"

llanoestacada
Ben: "Tourists. *sigh*"

MingoLeger
Ben - is there anywhere Cholly won't go without that guitar???

hatch_n_sniff
Ben: .......sorry we don't have a sercet code for I'm stuck in a porta-potty without any toilet paper.

llanoestacada
Ben: "I told you about that magic box on the island. Well, there ya go...."

General_Board
Ben: "I'm sure that George Michael told me to meet him around here somewhere."

LncshrLassinMI
Driveshaft's new gig?

wednesdayworld
Cholly: "No more outback outhouse here.
This place is music to my ears!"
Ben: " Finally, luxury! You go ahead.
I'll just use that big dumpster instead."

wednesdayworld
Ben: "Everyone from the Message Boards says there's a big stink from George today. . . he can't refresh."

hatch_n_sniff
Paulo: (from inside) "Hey, I don't think THIS toilet works."

slpy
Welcome to Craphole Island....

Rocc_Holliday
Ben: We found another hatch . . . welcome to The Porcelain God

lockesladyluv
I thought dr who used a police box???

hatch_n_sniff
Paulo: Does a Royal Flush beat five diamonds?