O'Quinn Wins! Edition

TheGeoff
I won! Don't tell me what I can't do!

LncshrLassinMI
I'm tickled pink!

TheGeoff
He doesn't see the Dharma logo on the bottom.

cmsmith68
Since this ensemble didn't win on Project Runway, I'm glad I got to wear it for this little event.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Terry O'Quinn: I'm thankful that I won the award and that I got this cool trophy, but given the choice I'd rather have my three fingers that Jorge Garcia gnawed off when I offered him a bite of my Snickers.

TheGeoff
The presentation of the award for the winner of the DarkUFO Character Cup.

cmsmith68
Hook em Horns!

marbalbc
Call me!

bringingSazyback
I'd like to thank Crest Whitening Strips and Arm and Hammer scalp wax. Hang loose, haole!

lockesladyluv
'hello mom? guess what!!! i won!!! yeah...my friend ben came with... he's the one who gave me this neat phone....'

LIONARTist
Terry: "Look everybody. I finally found what was making that horse constipated. I used these two fingers to hold the rear end open and I pulled out this Emmy."

The_Bionic_Guy
Terry : "Jacob say's he should have won this,ha,he's not even real".
*whispers*"call you later jacob"

back_gammon
Desmond (off camera): "Way to go, box man."

MingoLeger
I couldn't find a thing to wear so I borrowed Sawyer's pink shirt from the 80's.

CoolHandLocke
"If you told me 3 years ago that I would be standing here with this in my hand, I would've said you're crazy, and then I would've probably hit you on the back of the head and destroyed whatever form of communications you had with you. But the past is behind me now and of all the mistakes I made, the one I do not regret is allowing Jack to make that call. I would like to thank the island, James Ford and all my homies from 815 (we did it yo!), Bejamin Linus, who is in the audience (you the man, Benny!), and my beautiful girlfriend Helen, love you baby, I'll call you later. Peace!"
*woooosh* [End Flashforward]
LOST

darien_ambrose
With his right hand, Locke squeezes the trigger thereby detonating the bomb planted in Katherine Heigle's EMMY.

Go_Ahead_Mech_My_Day
"You like me! You really, really like me!!!"

hatch_n_sniff
............"You can start calling me Terry O'Winn after tonight." (forms a W with his right hand)

back_gammon
O'Quinn: Yep, it was in the coffin all this time. Who knew? Guess they figured it'd be the last place I'd look, what with all those rumors about me sawing off my own legs to fit in it and everything.

TheGeoff
And the winner is... Nikki Fernandez, Exposé!
Accepting the award on behalf of the late Ms. Fernandez is her friend, John Locke.

wakingsleep
Razzle Dazzle!

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
"A shout out to Marsstory, my nephew...you crazy b@stard. Call me on line 5."

llanoestacada
"Mahalo Mother *******"

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
...Thank You !..Thanks To All Who made this possible.. This is Great!..Yeaa baby Hang Loose!!,,but let me tell ya somethin.. I,,I still don't have the slitest idea what this show is about...

NonDeFonzoPoocarelli
Thank You !! Thank You Very Much..In my wildest dreams I never thought I'd win the title of ,,The Tannest Man in Baltimore,,....

hatch_n_sniff
Mrs. Hawking: ......no John.... NO JOHN !!!....you're not supposed to win. Give them back the Emmey.
Cooper:.........Gawd, it never gets old with this boy!!!!

Goony123
"I was kind of nervous about going up to make my acceptance speech. Somebody told me to imagine everyone sitting there in their underwear. I used to do that on the set of Lost until I realized that Michelle Rodriguez filled out her briefs better than I did."

paperfist
Some no-talent-diva (off camera): That shoulda been me!!!!

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
Faith Hill in the wings: mouths "WHAT?!"

Hatchcrazy
"I'm using this as a paperweight to hold down all the scripts that are on my desk. Especially 'Anaconda III- The Hunt for Ice Cube's career.’"

Short Bits 5

Fishbiscuit Edition
kharma_bites
Sawyer: Ben must have one fat cat...check out the size of this Meow Mix, Freckles.


Bea Arthur Pancake Breakfast Edition

Goony
"That's the last time I put syrup on my pancakes before going down on Bea Arthur!"

Rygc
Yes, it's me, John Lithgow. And I just realized that the beard was not fake................ow, that's gonna leave a scar!!!

marbalbc
Wax on! Wax off!

Rygc
Wow, Veet really works on facial hair, too! Doesn't hurt a bit!

hatch_n_sniff
"I don't know about Aunt Bea, but Mrs. Hawking won't have to shave the next time she goes to the beach."

MingoLeger
Tom: Damn flying squirrels!!!!

lockesladyluv
nair leaves you smooth as a baby's butttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rememberGoodwin
So Ben just comes along and says Jacob said 'no beards allowed' and Tom just rips his off. I really don't think I can do this.

llanoestacada
Tom: "Could somebody come over here and help me get this damn weasel off my face!"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!! Kelly Clarkson!!!
(40 year old virgin reference, if you didn't know)

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
Tom: "It sucks getting old. First your hair falls out, then you have to carry your stones on a rope."

hatch_n_sniff
Tom's just getting started as leader of "Ben's Boys," All Male Revue.

Arzt Extreme Makeover Edition

hatch_n_sniff
Artz: ............I gotta look good today. Damon and Carlton said I'll be "all over the island" by the end of this episode.

mlj2298
Put another piece of foil in! Cinemax is still a lil fuzzy.

hatch_n_sniff
Hairdesigner: ....are you an actor?
Artz: yes, I'm on ABC's LOST.
Hairdesigner: .....OMG...OMG I totaly luv LOST....Do you want to know how it ends? Well,like they never really leave the (Blow Dryer Blow Dryer Blow Dryer) and Kate and Jack (Blow Dryer Blow Dryer Blow Dryer) because Dharma and Widmore (Blow Dryer Blow Dryer Blow Dryer) and I couldn't flippin believe it ended like that!!!!
Artz: How in the world do you know all this?
Hairdesigner: I do Carlton's hair too.

darien_ambrose
In the year two thousannnnnnnnnd.
ABC Boards will be holographic.

cmsmith68
Hiardresser: Dude, you got some arzt on you

FastNFlurry
Yay ..... a tinfoil hat ........... now I can be a Jooper too

slpy
Following tend setter back_gammon, Dr. Artz has a tin foil hat professionally attached to his head.

MingoLeger
Arzt: Man this salon is GREAT!!! Now can you teach me the "bend and snap"?? I've got my eye on this Nikki chick.

Im_still_the_Irishman
Arzt: "I mean what's the point? Just blow me up and get it over with".

Im_still_the_Irishman
"I want you to use extra strong hair spray. Dynamite proof actually".

AbbyNormal_Lost
Arzt: Hmmmm, is this the place O'Quinn got his Brazillian bikini wax?

mlj2298
Voice from hidden camera-
"We have secretly switched Artz's hair color with the color of his stylist's hair which is a bright red to match the explosion on today's episode. Let's see what happens"

Goony123
Hair Cuttery - Still only $15.00 for a shampoo, cut and blow-up, er -dry.

Goony123
"Ok, fine, you got me. I'm now out of the closet. You mean wearing the ascot and calling myself Leslie wasn't enough of a tip-off?"

MonkeyProstitution
*in an impression of Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality* "With all this tin foil in my head I'm gettin HBO!"

lockesladyluv
... they had to resurrect me to play the part of the gay zombie alien..... what was i thinking??????????

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Arzt: I'll bet Back Gammon posts this picture to humiliate me because he knows I like spiders.

talkswithhands
I thought getting blown up was harsh, but now? Having this piece of celery jammed into my skull is even worse!

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
Hair stylist: "Not only does this dude have a nose on the back of his head, but look what I found in it."

MR_JJ_ABRAMS
Arzt: "I'm not only the president of Tin Foil Hats For Men, I'm its biggest customer"

LncshrLassinMI
Hairdresser: You're going to love this colour........it's just dynamite!
Arzt: Oh!

Phone it in Monday Edition

The_Bionic_Guy
Sayid : Ok who want's pizza?

scoont
Danielle: I'm not in your five?

hatch_n_sniff
Danielle: "I can kill with my bare hands."
Sayid: "I can kill with my bare feet."
Jack: "I get so hopped up on Oxycodin and whiskey I have no idea how they die."

lockesladyluv
Really, jack... i dialed the number Locke gave me and some woman named Helen answered and asked me for my credit card number before she would talk to me....

BelleLP9
Danielle: I know I've been in the jungle alone for a long time, but I swear it wasn't me making the 900-number calls with your phone!
Jack: Yeah, I'd check with Locke.
Sayid: Why do you say that?
Jack: I saw it in a flashforw...a flashba....nevermind.

mlj2298
Jack- Sayid I don't think even Verizon will get you a signal out here.
Sayid- But they said it's the network with the most coverage!

EEEJackYourLate
Danielle: Now, don't make me take my belt off and bend you over my knee

systemfailure2
Jack: What's making all the posts disappear?
Danielle: I think it's the security system, what you people call "the monster" or "George".
Sayid: I believe there is something jamming the signal to the board.

yoshie_b
Sayid: I hate to say it Jack, but after seeing the two of you together... I have to agree. Danielle IS more of a man than you.
Jack: *cries*

Rocc_Holliday
Sayid: ok, now whoever can do a better spout gets this nifty phone . . .

Bullet_Proof_Breast
Sayid: I found this phone in Kate's things...
*phones goes off* secret loooooooooooovers....
Jack: *grabs the phone* caller id says...Sawyer?!?!?

slpy
I just got a call from Simon, Simon says, put your hands on your hips.

MingoLeger
Danielle: Seriously, do you get service out here? Cuz I gotta tell you, I do a lotta work down here and it's a crap shoot.

TheGeoff
Every time we try to hold an important meeting, someone's cell phone rings!

back_gammon
Sayid: It sounded like the voice said "Help me."

042078
Sayid: Who are you going to call, jack?
Everybody: GHOSTBUSTERS!

TheGeoff
Good morning, Mr. Jarrah. This is Oceanic Airlines, conducting a customer satisfaction survey about your flight on September 22.

grannieindisguise
Sayid: I think Danielle should carry the phone. This thing is so heavy it'll stretch my pocket out of shape. And she has the belt.
Danielle: I think Jack should carry it in his teeth. That'll keep him quiet.
Jack: *cries*
Danielle: Bad idea, he'll get it wet. I'll carry it.
retrop51
Sayid: Simon says, "Put your hands on your hips."
"Put out your cell phones."
Danielle: You're terrible at this game, Sayid. You never get anybody because you telegraph your intentions.

TheGeoff
Sayid: Help! We were in a plane crash.
Voice on phone: What? I can't hear you. Flame rash?
Sayid: We were in a plane crash.
Voice on phone: Put some aloe on it.
Sayid: Listen to me. We are stranded on an island.
Voice on phone: Sorry, we've got a bad connection. I'll have to call you back.
Sayid: Stranded on an island!
Voice on phone: Brandon Ryland? I'll call you back immediately, Mr. Ryland.

Action_Potential
Sayid: Hey Jack, the crybaby store called, and they're running out of you! hahahahaha
Jack:... In the future, I'm gonna get a razr, you'll see!
Danielle: I could use a razor.

TheGeoff
Jack: We need to call for help.
Sayid: Not me. I've already used all my minutes this month.

Action_Potential
Danielle: You mean to tell me that this phone costs $800 and you have stay up all night in line to get one?
Sayid: Yes, it's got GPS, video, texting, and I was able to triangulate the signal to download my favorite ring tone "getting jiggy with it"...

Action_Potential
Sayid: Curses! I finally managed to triangulate the signal but the connection was hacked by some kid, noooooo!
Danielle: Oh yeah, George Hotz, the 17 year old college freshman who hacked the iphone over the weekend.
Sayid: How'd you hear about that?
Danielle: I read it online on your phone.

Sointuit
I know you want to carry the phone Jack, but if Rousseau carries it in her cleavage she still has two free hands to combat the others.

TheGeoff
Jack: I forgot I still have my ex-wife's cell phone. Maybe we can use it to call for help.
Sayid: I'll call the first number in its memory.
Voice on phone: Sarah! You haven't called in a long time. I thought your husband found out about us.
Sayid: I'm not Sarah. I'm a survivor of a plane crash. We've been stranded on an island since-Voice on phone: Sayid? Is that you?
Sayid: Sawyer?

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
Sayid: "They want to know if we have Prince Albert in a can."

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
Sayid to Jack: "It's Donald Trump, he says you're fired."

TheGeoff
Sayid: I don't understand it. I programmed 42 numbers into this phone, it says it has 42 numbers, and yet I can only see 23.
Danielle: That happens all the time on this island. I call it George. If you add a number for someone named George, the other numbers should appear.

MeSlapMeThrowSawyerInMyBed
Sayid: "What's wrong with anchovies?"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Sayid: Who's cell phone is this?
Jack: I think that phone belongs to Vincent.
Sayid: Vincent? But he's a dog. Why would a dog have a cell phone?
Danielle: He gets free roll over minutes.

hatch_n_sniff
SAYID: Danielle it's for you. It's Richard.
DANIELLE: Why are you calling me on this phone?
Ricky, did you lose my number!!!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Sayid: Yes, Jack. Just as soon as I call Ticketmaster and get Danielle some Indigo Girls tickets, I will call Walgreens and see if the prescription you wrote yourself is ready. Should I see if they're running a sale on Kleenex while I'm at it?

hatch_n_sniff
SAYID: ......it was a telemarketer, wondered if we needed new windows.I hung up on him.....I HUNG UP ON HIM!!!!!

Bullet_Proof_Breast
Jack: you mean to tell me you've had this phone the whole time and you ran the batteries dry calling 900 numbers?!?!?!
Sayid: that's not all I ran dry

hatch_n_sniff
SAYID: ....why have phone sex when we have Kate?

Cheezeee
Sayid: Who set "Cry me a river" as the ring tone ?
Danielle: I did. I thought it was Jack's phone.

The_Bionic_Guy
RING...RING!
Danielle: "If it's for me,say I’m not in."

hatch_n_sniff
Danielle: It has been sixteen years, tell me what does this phone do?
Sayid: Well you can store information, connect to the internet and even take pictures, see.
Danielle: Amazing. Look at these pictures!
Jack: Hey Sayid, show her the pictures of Alex bathing in the stream.