Physician, Shave Thyself

cmsmith68
since he's been off the island, jack has started dressing like each of the Others. Today he is Tom.

bringingSazyback
Crappy directions....I don't see the American Idol auditions anywhere.

FrontRowFlurry
"Damn Cheech, where are you"
(Jack channeling Tommy Chong)

cmsmith68
Jack still hasn't learned the art of 'rolling' and driving at the same time..

hatch_n_sniff
"Mr. Sheppard, this is ON STAR. We see you've been in an accident but our records indicate you died three years ago and again next year."

llanoestacada
It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses.......

cmsmith68
One of these is matfoxlver's house.....

back_gammon
Jack cruises LA night and day searching for Bea Arthur's house.

llanoestacada
Jack: "Yea, I'll have 2 super tacos, a large onion ring, an Orange Juice......"
Jack: "Could you repeat that?"

Skookums
jack: "christ, i can't believe i'm going to be late for my own funeral...."

NiceGuy Eddie
"hello, my name is Jack, I was a doctor, a leader, and survivor of a plane crash, now I'm Jack-sqwat, 38 years old, divorced, on a steady diet of government cheese, and I live in a van down by the river!"

ALDILA
I can't believe they were out of the Groucho glasses and mustache.

hellolost
Jack the suicide bomber stalks his prey

gretchielost
Oh, sure, they say, if you want drugs go to the docks, they say. Just make a left at the stoplight, they say. I'm going to find it without directions, or my name isn't Jack Sparrow!

lockesladyluv
i' sorry mr steering wheel... would you repeat that please??? and give me adouble borbon while you're at it....

LIONARTist
Naw, Billy Joe Bob said thet the 24 hour hardware store would hev the part fer mah still. He done said it were 2 blocks down on the left after ya done went 3 miles paist the Suwanee Swifty, after ya turnt right on the street with the Huddle house.......dadburnit! Or was thet LEFT on the street with the Huddle House? Wish ah head me wonna them thar fancy cell phones ta call Billy Joe Bob and git them directions agin.

bringingSazyback
4 8 15 16 23 42
4 8 15 16 23 42
4 8 15 16 23 42
4 8 15 16 23 42
4 8 15 16 23 42
4 8 15 16 23 42

Ben emerges from the adult video store.

There he is!

VROOOOOOOOOM

BUMP BUMP



BUMP BUMP



BUMP BUMP



BUMP BUMP

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Another Day, Another Wardrobe Crisis...

LncshrLassinMI
Desmond: Someone stole ma kilt last night, laddie......but if they come back tonight, 'am ready for 'em!!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Next week on LOST...
Desmond discovers the hatch implosion has given him a second power when he leaps back in time and enters the body of Kurt Cobain.

Goony123
"I canna find the bloody bathroom so I bin wizzing inna this bottle for the past three days. I think I'm too sodding drunk though, cuz me rifle's filled with piss."

JustMech
"Phallic symbolism? What's that mean, brotha?"

hatch_n_sniff
Des' memories of Mrs. Hawking continue to haunt him as he keeps hearing her repeat, "Don't worry about Penny my dear boy, I AM the greatest thing you've ever done."

PoeFan1
Des: You want me to wear those pants?! They're polyester! Don't make me shoot you brotha.

OhioRob2
Those Darn Whisperers! Probed me in my sleep Again! Which way did they go???

Sawyers_Sidekick
Desmond: "Is That My Pants Up There?"

JustMech
"This is my weapon.
This is my gun.
This one's for shooting.
This one's for fun."

talkswithhands
Mech- my drill sergeants said that in basic. I was such a naive' young thing that I didn't get it right away. It should have been tatooed on my forehead, "just doesn't know better".

JustMech
Does bring back the "good" old days, doesn't it?
So, are you going to register "just_doesnt_know_better" as your new screenname?

MingoLeger
Happiness is a warm gun
Happiness is a warm gun mama
When I hold you in my arms
and I feel my finger on you trigger
I know nobody can do no harm
Because Happiness is a warm gun mama
Happiness is a warm gun, yes it is
Happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun
Ah, don't you know that
Happiness is a warm gun mama

MingoLeger
Desmond contemplates ending it all when one of his premonitions shows Hurley and Rose "in a net".

JustMech
Ernest Hemmingway relaxing at his home in Ketcham, Idaho.

hatch_n_sniff
Is that thing cOcKED???

DesmondSaysBrotha
ARRR!!! that light be too bstarboard for me eyyyyeee!

DesmondSaysBrotha
This is how ya gonna dieeee Charrrlayyy!
*shoots him*

Banned_Again_Tony_C
Either I'm really s.h.i.t.faced or that's a polar bear over there.

grannieindisguise
Desmond: I'm not gonna put on pants, brotha! That's so last season!

llanoestacada
Desmond: "Wheh is that wascally wabbitt!"

llanoestacada
Desmond relaxes on his first Hedonism cruise.

thats_that
What? you can't be a drunk monk in the Royal Scotts who randomly shoots people? That's rubbish!

The_Victims
*Des watching last weeks american idol*
Des: what are they doing voting off melinda, i liked her! Damn it simon, once i find my pants, im coming for ya brotha!"

Captain_Sarcasm_815
I CAHN'T BAHLEEV BOONE DIED!!! HOW CAHN I GO UN LIVIN!!?!

talkswithhands
Missing Plane did what with me bottle o' booze? I don't care how he thinks it will help the constipated horse! Imma gonna shoot 'im anyway!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Of course I can shoot the dynamite with this gun. I spent three years in that hatch playing Halo in my free time, how much different can it be? By the way, where in the hell is the "A" Button on this thing?

nmb1blonde
Des: "Said he didn't like technology, Ole Jacob did. So I took out me gun and stole his pants. Do you like them, Brutha?"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Henry Ian Cusack stars as Jesus in this summer's blockbuster The Passion Of The Christ 2: The Revenge

Secret Dharma Recipe...

rememberGoodwin
Is it possible to be so drunk that you can't tell the difference between drinking beer and pouring it on your dinner? Yes, yes it is.

Goony123
"Hmm.. the last time I basted a pig I was locked in a bear cage. Look at me now!

MingoLeger
Sawyer learned the secrets of basting when he and Martha Stewart were cell mates.

JustMech
Now let's pour a 40 on the curb for our Lost brothers and sisters.

AlTandlost
Silly Boar! Beer is for red necks!

llanoestacada
Sawyer: "All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?' I'm trying to impress people here. You don't win friends with salad."

Caladhiel
This is how we do gravy in the south!

hatch_n_sniff
Sawyer and boar are both getting "buttered" before dinner.

MingoLeger
BAM!

MingoLeger
Sawyer wastes precious Dharma beer on the boar and is accused by the other Losties of alcohol abuse.

LncshrLassinMI
Sawyer: Let's see now.......baste with a little Dharma beer and..........."Voila!", as Julia would say. My best barbecue recipe yet!

grannieindisguise
"This would taste better with mojitos poured on it, but..."

sweetsayid
Mmmmm, this reminds me of Tallahassee!

042078
And I ran...I ran so far away...
I just ran...I ran all night and day...
I couldn't get away...

AlTandlost
Silly Boar! Beer is for red necks!

llanoestacada
Sawyer: "I like my beer cold, my boar hot, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming."

justacoolguy36
damn, I just realized this dharma light has "GHT" in it
[this caption brought to you by Miller Lite]

justacoolguy36
10 SIGNS YOU GREW UP WITH AN ALCOHOLIC GRANDMOTHER:
. . . . #4

Captain_Sarcasm_815
can't wait til Hurley teaches me how to make Boar Pockets . . . .
[sings] BOAR POCKETS!

Karl's in Charge Edition

talkswithhands
Hurley sets up his invisible piano. But much to the chagrin of the other Losties, Karl tries to use his position as new guy in camp to call dibs on air guitar.

The_Victims
Karl: and thats what happened on the season finale of Heroes, crazy stuff eh?

llanoestacada
Danielle thinking: "She spends 16 years on this island and this is the best she can come up with?"

OhioRob2
Carl =And they gave me a paper cut right on my johnson!!

JustMech
He hulas among us, but he is not one of us.

grannieindisguise
Danielle (thinking): This is Alex's boyfriend??!? I should have gone after her long ago...

JustMech
Hurley: "Whoa Dude! Island ghost stories are even scarier than ones in Korean!!"

kharma_bites
Karl:
The Cabbage Patch dance?
Hurley:
Yeah Dude! It's easy! Look...just put your hands out in front of you like this.
Karl:
Like this?
Rose:
sighing and shaking her head
White people.

Richards_Eyeliner
Karl: "...and then they wanted me to wear eyeliner!"

hatch_n_sniff
HURLEY: Dude, show us again how Ben humped the invisible guy Jacob. Wooow, that is just so wrong.

MingoLeger
Karl reveals to the camp that the horse was indeed constipated.

zenmaster5280
Karl: My People, they’re coming. They heard about Sawyer’s luau and...
Hurley: Oh we're going to a Hookie Lau
A Hookie, Hookie, Hookie, Hookie, Hookie Lau
Everybody loves a Hookie Lau
Where the mau-mau eats the pau-pau at the big luau.
Throw those nets out into the sea
And all the oma-oma come swimming to me
Cuz we're going to a Hookie Lau,
A Hookie, Hookie, Hookie, Hookie, Hookie Lau!

MingoLeger
Karl: Guess what I just saw Ben and Tom doing!
Hurley: Whoa dude!
Rose: Oh God, not before breakfast.

JustMech
You gotta swing your hips now
Come on baby, jump up, jump back

MingoLeger
Karl tells the group that George is on the loose again.

ALDILA
OK , Hurley, Sayid and Jack you're shirts, Rose and Danielle you're skins. (Where's Kate and Sun).

Tinky815
Rose: Hurley, breathe through your mouth! Breathe through your mouth like the rest of us!

cmsmith68
Hurley:
came to get down
So get out your seats and jump around
Jump around
Jump around
Jump around
Jump up Jump up and get down.
Jump
Jump
Jump
Jump
Jump
Jump
Jump
JUmp
Jump
JUmp
JUmp
Jump
Jump
Jump
Jump
JUmp
Jump

cmsmith68
Bernard: Why was Jack photoshopped over me?

talkswithhands
Bernard: Arrogant spinal surgeons! We, dentists, don't get any respect!

hatch_n_sniff
"Count Hugo commands Karl to WALK."

rememberGoodwin
The Losties react with shock and dismay when Karl tells them he's now a regular on the show and will be taking some of their air time.

silverhalo1217
Karl: Come on Jack, join in with everyone else!
*singing* You put your right arm in, you take your right arm out, you put your right arm in and you shake it all about"
side note - The look on Danielle's face in this picture is priceless! LOL

Goony123
Karl: "Okay Jack, I showed you mine, now let's see yours."
Hurley: "Dude, you do know that's a vajayjay, don't you?"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: She looks kind of familiar, like maybe she's an extra or something. Does anyone remember who this black lady is?
Danielle: Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh......
Hurley: Hmmmmmm.....dude.....uhm, no.
Sayid: Isn't she....uhm...whatshername?
Carl: Yeeeaaaah.....hmmmmm....
Rose: ::thinking::I know they're all talking about me. That's OK, I'll just make the best of it. Just as soon as I remember what their names are. Hmmmmmm........

AlTandlost
Karl: I......I......I just pooted.......
Sayid: Ewww! that is disgusting! what a pig!
Rouesso: *STUNNED*
Hurley: Get that pooty away from me!!!
Jack: Was it from the burritos?
Rose: Whats that smell? It smells like burritos

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Carl: What's going on guys?
Sayid: Hurley told us that he has never touched a woman's b00bs before. We paralyzed Danielle with one of the Medusa spiders so Hurley can cop a feel while she is unable to move.
Jack: Oh, man. I love b00bies. You know how when you grab a woman's b00bs and they feel like bags of sand?
Rose: Alright Jack, you just get in line behind Hurley and wait your turn.

dharma4815
jack: since you're...new here, i'll have you know that you're in MY spot. People are supposed to listen ME. I am the center of attention, I get the most flashbacks, and I get the highest salary!
Rose thinking: I'm gettin' outa here before this gets ugly.
Hurley: Dude, not a good idea.
Sayid: I like you already.

justacoolguy36
Karl: so apparently, Vincent IS Jacob!!
Hurley: whoa dude, I just noticed your zipper is down!
Rose: weren't you even paying attention to what he just said?!

The_Victims
Karl: sorry guys, got some bad news. You guys are gonna have to find something to do for 8 months because your next season wont start till January and were only doing 16 episodes a year for the next three years, after that, you guys are gonna have to find other jobs. sorry. no hard feelings...right?

Sayid Says....

zenmaster5280
Sayid: "Tastes Great!"
Sun: "Less Filling!"
Sayid: "Tastes Great!"
Sun: "Less Filling!"
Sayid: "Tastes Great!"
Sun: "Less Filling!"
Sayid: "Tastes..ah he1L, this isn't even Dharma Beer!"

cmsmith68
Sayid: Damn those DHARMA people! I invented this and won The Apprentice: Iraq!

042078
Sayid: You drank the bottle of Jack's tears? I had been saving that for a very special moment...

MissingPlane
...yes Sun..a simple plastic bottle can upset the balance of things..look at me, i am already starting to tilt..oooh..OOOOHH ..OOooOOhhh!

hatch_n_sniff
SAYID: No bottle opener, no problem!! Just use my lips.

lockesladyluv
jacob turned the water into wine!!!

Tinky815
Dharma Water??
Now get me some Perrier before I get the bamboo splinters!!

cmsmith68
Sayid: You're supposed to pe.e on the stick, not in the bottle

nancyfancypink
"This water is giving me chapped lips, see????"

MissingPlane
..yes..its all in the tongue..see?,,when you can remove the cap from this bottle with just your tongue,,then you will have it..

LIONARTist
Sayid: "FINALLY! Finally,...we find out ...WHY... the horse was constipated. This bottle smells."

nancyfancypink
I'm sorry I stole your water. Let's kiss and make up.

LIONARTist
Sayid: "You see. You put a baby mouse inside the bottle. Then you feed it every day so that it grows to be an adult mouse. THEN...you take it to the distributor and, VOLIA, you get a free case of bottled water. Works every time."

LIONARTist
Sayid: "Once I get her drunk from the wine that I'm going to put in this bottle, then I'll get to show her my "Oh" face. Ooooh. Ooooh."

042078
During the war, we learned to store extra water in our gullet. Watch me swallow 4 of these.

kharma_bites
Sayid: I do not care if you are not thirsty...you must drink some water or you will dehydrate!
Come on now....Here comes the choo choo train. Open wide.
Choo choo choo choo..

kharma_bites
Sun: I don't know how I ended up pregnant!
Sayid: Well, allow me to suggest another method of satisfying your husband so this will not happen again. Now, imagine this bottle is Jin. Place your lips like this. Come on now you try.

LIONARTist
Oh my. Madonna all over again.

Lost_Fanatic21
Sayid : Okay give this to Juliette, Its the erm... Urine sample she keeps asking for but I still don't think she should use it as part of her Beauty regime.....

talkswithhands
Sayid: Oooh Sun- it is true, your pregnacy has definitely increased your odds of winning the wet t-shirt contest.

LIONARTist
Sayid: "Sun, Repeat after me. Wa-ter Bot-tle. Wa-ter Bot-tle"
Sun: "Wa-tel Bot-ter"
Sayid: "Close enough"

Action_Potential
Sun, I heard you were impregnated by super sperm, now if you can give me an ounce of your fluids, I might be able to turn this bottle into a communications device, yes, I know it sounds strange, but you did see the 4-toed statue, didn't you?

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Sayid: Here, take this bottle and set it close to the campfire. When it gets warm, bring it back to me quickly and I'll stick it up your butt and squeeze. I'm sorry Jack is not here to give you a real enema, but I assure you that this is the next best thing.

maÑic
"I know it wasn't Boone who stole the water this time, Sun!"

itsrainingnow
Sayid: SUN, for the LAST TIME, THIS is MY water! SEE? It has MY saliva on it!

LOST_in_my_mind
'Sayid': ach hem - no I do not put lip plumping lipgloss in my water, Sun. I thought Juliet said no one would notice - just that I would look more Vouge
'Sun': Yes, of course, Sayid. But they are wonderfully full and shiny!
'Sayid': You think so!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Naveen Andrews: Who put this water in my dressing room? I only drink Fiji water. How may times do I have to tell you that I only drink Fiji water?
Yunjin Kim: You sound just like Sara Silverman.
Naveen Andrews: Yes, Checkie was watching her special again before he wrote this caption.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Sayid: Sun, this camp is in desperate need of entertainment and I think that you are just the person to provide it. Here, let me tell you about the time I was in Tijuana and this trick I saw a woman do with nothing but her v@gina and a water bottle.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Sayid: Nuuuuuuuuude! I said nuuuuuuuude! If you get nuuuuuuuuude, I'll give you my last bottle of water. Dammit, woman, I know you can speak English.

MissingPlane
.." ah wite,, ho da wide as wo pude da lemon juze n my wa da bodel?

justacoolguy36
I'm trying to whistle
can you teach me how?
I'll trade you my water bottle from season 1

BenIHateYou
I've had camel piss better than this!!

JustMech
"Alex says that DHARMA puts collagen in the water instead of fluoride and that's why her lips look like this!"

LIONARTist
Sayid:

"Some enchanted evening
You may see a stranger,
you may see a stranger
Across a crowded room
And somehow you know,
You know even then
That somewhere you'll see her
Again and again.

Some enchanted evening
Someone may be laughin',
You may hear her laughin'
Across a crowded room
And night after night,
As strange as it seems
The sound of her laughter
Will sing in your dreams.

Who can explain it?
Who can tell you why?
Fools give you reasons,
Wise men never try.

Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
For all through your life you
May dream all alone.

Once you have found her,
Never let her go.
Once you have found her,
Never let her goooooooooooo!"

Granny Got Gams Edition

grannieindisguise
Mrs. Hawking: Why, no, I don't think I look like Lawrence Fishburne at all. Red pill or blue?

MissingPlane
Mrs Hawking: ...eeEE
Oh goodness I just far ted!!,, hehe hah
brrp
Oh there I go again!
fraap
Oh my aren't I the little teapot today! hehehaha
pfft!
Oh hoohoo hehe
brippp
Oh dear boy Desmond , have you a cork?
sqeeek
hehe i can't ,, i can't stop Desmond
riiip!
ohh hohoo please Desmond, a cork! a cork! my kingdom for a cork!
pppplaaabbb!!
Please please Desmond, , brrrriiip,, eehhehehe,, heres a chip ,, rrreeaaap

Desmond:...why.. why didn't I see that comin?

WeatherRock
Don't be silly dear, I'm twice your age..... here have a treat
Desmond: I'm serious......I want you as my treat

captainaeon
Mrs Hawkings--'Ah, Desmond! Sitting here with you like this reminds me of when I was young. Magical times! It was the sixties, and I was a groupie for the Rolling Stones. The wild drunken orgies we had! (laughs, wistfully) Oh, my, yes--those were the days...'

MissingPlane
Mrs.H..so you see Dear Desmond,,its all ineviatble,,so enjoy!..here enjoy some of these..
..No.. wait..alls I have to duue..is not wear red sneakers..rite?..rite?

Texashummingbird
Des: "No thanks, I don't care for chestnuts. And by the way, please find a tanning salon you're blinding us with your whiteness"
Mrs. Hawking: "I can't tan deary, I'm Irish. Here, how's about a peek up my skirt?"

Goony123
"Alright, Desmond. How's this for a Catch-22? You've got to choose a night in the sack with me, or one of these peanuts from the 1908 World Series. So. . . which old bag will it be?"

JustMech
Desmond: "And what exactly do I get for tuppence a day?"

llanoestacada
Mrs Hawkings: "What is it you find so amusing my dear Desmond?"
Desmond: "I don't have the heart to tell these poor schmoes that no matter how much they dress up this set, it will never look like a London street scene."
Mrs Hawkings: "It's probably best you didn't my dear. These chestnut are probably the only things you want to see roasting on an open fire today."

Daddio_of_4
And after I got out of the Monastery I was thrown in the Royal Guard Prison and then I was in this concrete bunker for three years pushing this button....
so let's just say it's been awhile and I ain't that partcular...
Know what I mean, nudge, wink...

BulletProofBreast
a pretty lady passes by them sitting on the bench
Mrs H offering bag: "Banger mr Hume?"
Desmond: "Banger? I hardly know her!!!"

hatch_n_sniff
"No, no Des...... I'm not a princess, I'm a Dharma Queen."

iamsoolost
We have hooked up in the past and it is inevitable that we will hook up again- give in my dear Desmond! You don't believe me! Inside this bag is your leopard thong from our last encounter!

Black Patch Down

(bg: Thanks to everyone who make Ben-a-palooza week so much fun! I hope you enjoyed the caption contests as much as I did.)

TheGeoff
Ben: Before you blew up the sub, we had communications with the mainland. Mikhael here could easily find out about every plane that crashed on this island. Now he has to lie on his back and watch them come down.

JustMech
Ben: "I just asked for your father's body, John. You don't have to drag everyone that you kill into camp."

Caladhiel
Locke: What?

JustMech
He tripped.

wednesdayworld
Female extra # 1: Those were starting to look good . . .
Female extra # 2: Gawd I miss shopping for new boots!

JustMech
Ben: "FINISH HIM!!!"

hatch_n_sniff
"Locke can not hide his dissapointment when there's no candy in Ben's birthday pinata."

Ctrl-Z
Ben: "oh, big deal! see that girl over there in the tank top? SHE messed him up a lot worst last week."

WeatherRock
Locke: Now that the Dharma drops have stopped we need to go Donner Party............ I killed him......you clean him

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: I'm in charge around here, I should get to go first.
Locke: I knocked him out, I'm gonna go first.
Ben: Nuh-Uh!
Locke: Nuh-Huh!
Ben: Wanna play Rock-Paper-Scissors for it?
Ben and Locke argue over who will be the first to teabag Mikhail

grannieindisguise
Locke: How 'bout you, Bug Eye? You ready for your nap?

llanoestacada
Locke: "You're next you little bug-eyed bastard, unless you start comming across with some answers!"
Ben: "OK, OK. Kate slept with Sawyer."
Locke: "And is Jack banging your ex?"
Ben: "You heartless son of a *****"

llanoestacada
Ben: "I wouldn't turn my back on him just yet. Haven't you seen Halloween?"

brotha_desi
Ben: I've told you not to do things like that John!
John: don't tell me what i can't do ben! you're next boy!

justacoolguy36
Ben: I only put in one bullet . . . that's like an 8% chance . . .
Locke: 8%!?! who taught you math!?
guess the movie

justacoolguy36
Ben: "Don't blame me! I mean come on, the drink is called 'adios mother f---er' for a reason!"

bringingSazyback
Ben: Whadja do that for, John?
Locke: Cuz he has pretty hair...............so do you.
Ben:

bringingSazyback
Locke: Now Ben.....you're gonna take me to see Jacob, isn't that right Mikhail?
Mikhail:
Locke: And after that, we are going to build a smoke lodge, isn't that right Mikhail?
Mikhail: Look, could you just leave me out of it?
Ben: I'll take you to Jacob, but you can forget about the smoke lodge. Right, Mikhail?
Mikhail: I think that bald bastard knocked half my teeth loose.
Locke: Oh, we're gonna build the smoke lodge. We're gonna build a smoke lodge and you're gonna like it. Isn't that right, Mikhail.
Mikhail: Look, I really don't care. Just let me bleed in peace.
Ben: Alright. We'll build the smoke lodge but I'm not going in it. Smoking is bad for your health, isn't it Mikhail.
Mikhail: Look if you two are going to have a ******* contest, can you do it downhill? I've got enough trouble here.
Locke: Oh, you're going in that smoke lodge, Ben. You're going in and you're gonna like it. Isn't he, Mikhail.
Mikhail: I can't believe you are still talking to me. Shut up!
Ben: I'll go in the smoke lodge if we can forget about going to see Jacob. Jacob doesn't like surprise visitors, does he Mikhail.
Mikhail: I am so going to stick my rubber boot up your butt.......as soon as I can stand up.
Locke: You, me, Jacob AND Mikhail are going in the smoke lodge and we're going to have a vision, isn't that right Mikh...
Mikhail: That's it!
Mikhail jumps up and shoots them both and everyone lives happily ever after.
bringingSazyback
Locke: How do you fire this gun Chino? By pulling this little trigger!? How many bullets are left Chino? Enough for YOU? Or YOU? All of you!! You ALL killed him! And my brother! And Riff! Not with bullets and knives! With HATE! Well, I can kill now too, because now I have hate!!! How many can I kill Chino? How many -- and still have one bullet left for me?
Ben: Well we did it. We finally broke his brain.

LIONARTist
John: "And THAT...is how we deal with sissy boot-wearing one-eyed patch wearin fancy dans who speak with bad Russian accents in my neighborhood. Anyone else here wanna be a sissy boot-wearing one-eyed patch wearin fancy dan? I didn't think so."

LIONARTist
Mikhail: "..and now we transition into the next Yoga position, the bludgeoned nutfrog. Hey, how come no one's doing this with me?"
John: "What-the-hell's he talkin bout?"
Ben: "Just humor him. He thinks he's on TV"

LIONARTist
Ben: "John...I've never been more attracted to you than I am right now. Kick him again. Ooooohhh! Yes! That's the way. Oh MY! I feel so alive!"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: John, why did you beat up Mikhail?
Locke: He said he wanted to rub my bald head, and I told him he could.
Ben: Uhm, so why did you beat him up after you gave him permission to do it?
Locke: :: pointing up :: I thought he was talking about this head.

LIONARTist
What?

lockesladyluv
mother always did like him best...

MissingPlane
.Ben...uum excuse me Locke,,i have to go find my glasses...

Macabilly
Ben: I only put in one bullet . . . that's like an 8% chance . . .
Locke: 8%!?! who taught you math!?
guess the movie

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
(hope it hasnt been said already!)
great movie FTW

MissingPlane
...Sayid broke his nose..I had to reset it for him...you understand..

MissingPlane
..Until TPTB bring back Bernard,,we're just gonna have to do denistry around here the old fashion way!

MissingPlane
...just remember Ben..no job is too dirty for Mr Clean!!

I am Lockes stolen kidney
Ben: Why'd you do that John?
Locke: The first rule of fight club is you do NOT talk about fight club, and the second rule is...
Ben [takes out tape-recorder]: note to self: DO NOT invite John to movie night anymore.... and he's out of the book club too.

The_Victims
Locke: Ben, this is what happens when you take the last of the toilet paper and dont put a new roll in...
or
Ben: locke, what did u do?
locke: hey, at least i didnt blow anything up...

hatch_n_sniff
BEN: "Would someone please clean up old Mr. Puss-n-Boots over there."

Empty_Cans
Ben: Locke you can't always expect miracles, people don't just fall from the sky you know.
*BANG*
Ben: No...he ...er ... just tripped and fell Locke.
mental note *Dammit, wish Mikhale would stop trying to convince people he can fly*

I have no words....

bg: I have no words to make a title for this one. How did I ever have a caption contest before Juliet showed up? Ya gotta love her.

llanoestacada
David Attenborough: "The female assumes the mating position trying to lure the male into breeding. The male appears disinterested."

hatch_n_sniff
Ben and Jules work on their secret code for" Left Behind."

JustMech
"I don't care what Locke said! If you think I'm pulling a submarine out of there, you're out of your mind!!! Cooper was bad enough!"

back_gammon
She farts among us, but is not one of us.

LIONARTist
Juliet: "BRRRAAAAPFFF!"
Ben: "Jeez-Louise! I told you to stop eating those damn grilled cheese sammiches. Look what you did to my hair!"

TheGeoff
If I can't have a baby on this island, maybe I can lay an egg!

stephvig
"Look I can carry a cherry in my butt cheeks!!"
"This is the REAL magic box."

1beachluvrV2
Juliette in best Jim Carrey voice: Do you mind if I a$$ you a question?

LIONARTist
Juliet: "C'mon ben. Look at it for me. It feels like a pimple. But it could be a bug bite. I can't tell just by feeling it."

LIONARTist
Juliet: "Push the button, pull the chain, out comes the little brown choo choo train"

LIONARTist
Juliet: "Milk, Milk, Lemonade. Round the corner fudge is made"

1beachluvrV2
Look I pulled the arrow out now you gotta hold up to your end of the deal and suck the poison out. ***Gopher laughs in the background***

LIONARTist
Ben: "For the last time, this is not a reality TV show, I am not Bobby Brown. AND, I WILL NOT DIG OUT YOUR DOODIE-BUBBLE!"

shootingstar815
I wonder where this cable goes?

talkswithhands
Juliette: I'm tellin' ya, this Dharma H just does NOT work.
Ben: We told you the last leg of the trip was a rough ride!

talkswithhands
Juliette: Kiss my a$$!
Ben: Bare it and share it... OMG, I can't believe she did it!

MissingPlane
J...Hey Ben!! WHALE TALK!!! HUMP BACK OR BLUE WHALE??,,,eeeeEEEEEEEBLOIT BLOIT!

MissingPlane
Julie....mi mi mi...miii.....pfft pfft ppffft ...pffft
Ben... your a little flat there Juliette..

hellolost
Hey Ben, Can you see smokey in there?

LIONARTist
Juliet: "If you see Locke coming with a rubber glove on, please give me a heads up. He keeps saying that I'm constipated."

silverhalo1217
Juliett: Who cares about the damn horse? I'm the one who's constipated!

BulletProofBreast
Juliet: Do we have any more of those dharma brand Oops I Crapped My Pants left?
Ben: I told you not to drink that tranquelizer so fast...it'll do that to you....

Reiyn
Ben! Quick!! Light a match!!!

wednesdayworld
Ben: Com’on, Jules, do the Macarena for me again and I'll let you go back home.
Juliette, to herself: I hate you.

hatch_n_sniff
So.....Ben, I hear they used to call you Henry Gale. Well back home they called me "Hang Time Helen," PUUFFTTT yeah, that's what I'm talk'in about!!!

MingoLeger
OK people, I challenge someone, anyone to come up with a good caption for this one that does NOT involve distasteful bodily functions.
Although these ARE pretty funny!

MingoLeger
So no one has yet to come up with the Pythonesque . . . "I faaart in your general direction!"?

llanoestacada
Ben: "Crop dusting is more effective down wind, Juliet."

llanoestacada
Juliet: "Oh look Ben, the Queen!"

stephvig
Juliette- "Do these pants make my butt look big?"
Ben- "No dear not at all. It's your butt that makes your butt look big."

ALDILA

So this is the island version of kissing the Blarney Stone.

back_gammon
Juliet: Does my butt make my hands look big?

grannieindisguise
Ben's hair: The heartbreak of blowback.

ctrl_Z
Sawyer's advice for Ben on how to go "downtown" with Juliet:
1. I'm Sorry.
2. You were right.
3. Those pants don't make your butt look big.

hatch_n_sniff
Ben: "I only paddle you, because I love you."

paperfist
Ben: Hey Juliet....What you gon' do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
Juliet: I'ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps
Check it out!

paperfist
Juliet: Ben, what's another word for pirate treasure?
Ben: uh, I believe it's BOOTY!... BOOTY!... B-B-B-BOOTY!

paperfist
Ben: Oh girl, you look good when back that thang up!
Juliet: I hate you, Ben! You're so juvenile.

Action_Potential
...And now... The Others Traveling Actors Society presents:
The 40-year Old Virgin Islands.
Ben: I hope you have a big trunk... cuz I'm putting my bicycle in it!
Juliet: Ohhh yeahhh! Let's go!

wednesdayworld
Juliette wonders if the pants will travel to Sun, Claire, or Kate next.
Ben thinks: I've been on this island my whole life and if there's one movie I really want to see, that's gotta be it!

MingoLeger
Ben (bursting into song):

I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get wit'cha
And take your picture . . . . .

Juliet: How the hell did I get stuck on this island with Sir Dix-A-Lot?

maddog2108
Ben, in his condescending voice:
Jules, you know Jacob doesn't like your butt puppetry..."

back_gammon: I'm afraid to even ask what "butt puppetry" might be.

Captain_Sarcasm_815
Hurley told me a joke, and I laughed my a$$ off . . . . literally

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: No, Juliet, absolutely not. I'm not giving you my matches so you can light another f@rt. We still haven't been able to get rid of the Smoke Monster you created the last time you did that.

bringingSazyback
Ben: SPARKY! HERE BOY! SPARKY!
Juliet: He's not coming. I'm leaving.
Ben: Listen...that shark loves me. I'm his mama. SPARKY! Where could he be?
Juliet: Here's one place you haven't looked yet.

bringingSazyback
Juliet: Oy. I can't believe we slept out here all night. I must have had a rock under me because my butt hurts.
Ben: I swear I never touched you!
Juliet: I said rock, not c......HEY!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: Jeez, don't point that thing at me. The last time you unleashed your Weapon Of A$$ Destruction, you took down a passing airplane and we've had nothing but problems ever since.

bringingSazyback
Is that what happened? :D

bringingSazyback
Juliet: Oh, that mongolian BBQ is coming out like hunks of fire. Can I borrow your chapstick?

bringingSazyback
Ben: I asked you to bring the tape recorder.
Juliet: Oh right. I have to keep it in my butt because Jack's hands are all over me these days.
Ben: Well, that stinks.
Juliet: No kidding. I need to piddle, there's Jack. I want a little fruit salad, there's Jack. I'm hanging up some laundry, there's Jack. I think he's stalking me.
Ben: I meant the tape recorder.

bringingSazyback
Juliet: My butt itches.
Ben: Our study of the bears shows that the proper way to deal with an itchy butt is to rub it on a rock.
Juliet: Okay, I'll use this one here, but don't look, okay?
Ben: Okay, I'm looking for my shark anyway. SPARKY!

bringingSazyback
Juliet: ffft
Ben: What did you say?
Juliet: Nothing....must have been the wind.

bringingSazyback
Juliet: Oy. Stupid island brought you a spinal surgeon and a parapalegic to play with. What I wouldn't give for a decent chiropractor. It's bloody favoritism.
Ben: Quit hanging out with Charlie, and don't call the island stupid. It might kill Charlie just to teach you a lesson.
Juliet: No way! PB for effin evah!

bringingSazyback
Ben: What's for lunch?
Juliet: Brown trout. I'll be right back.

lockesladyluv
i'll kiss the rock if you kiss my bum...

walto_lives
Juliette: woman can't get pregnant here, so what hell. put it right there

LIONARTist
Juliet: "Betcha five bucks I can fart the national anthem".
Okay, what movie was that from?

peanutflutter
Ben, I gotta go. The Dharma oatbran is kicking in.

BulletProofBreast
Juliet: We really gotta label our bedrooms better...Tom did it to me AGAIN!
Ben: oh sorry, our doors do look so much alike....

…And a word from our sponsor…

MissingPlane
...When The Final Call Plays, We Are Here For Family and Friends ...
..............RED SHIRT FUNERAL HOME AND CREMATORIUM...............
.....................................Burbank California.....................................

Campfire Java Edition

Caladhiel
Tom: I dont know Richard...I think if he takes his time lining up that putt, he might have a shot at winning the Polar Bear Open this year.

llanoestacada
Pondering his next move, Richard tries to persuade Jose and Tom to vote for Locke tonight at tribal council, despite his performance at the patricide reward challenge.

UsurpSynapse
Gas masks: $42
Cyanide cannisters: $23
Dharma jumpsuits: $15
Being able to enjoy a nice cup of Joe with your best buddies after a bloody coup massacre: Priceless.

JustMech
Richard: "Tom, do you have to start singing 'I'm a little teapot' every time I want a cup?"

wednesdayworld
Tom, after humming the theme song to "Will & Grace", says: I'm Tom, btw.
Richard: What type of deal is this? Everybody always hums that song around me.

JustMech
Richard: "No Tom, I don't think we should name our camp 'Central Perk'."

zenmaster5280
Richard to Tom: Then one day I hear "Reach for it, mister." I spun around, and there I was standing face to face with a six year old kid. Well, I just laid down my guns and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the as$. So I limped to the nearest hatch, crawled inside a liquid eyeliner bottle, and I've been there ever since.
(ala Blazing Saddles)

MingoLeger
Richard, Tom, and Saddam Hussein are shocked that Billy Ray was voted off of "Dancing With The Stars".

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Richard: Hey Tom, I just saw Mikhail ruunning into camp. You want to beat his @ss again?
Tom: Nah, I beat his @ss yesterday. I'm tired.
Richard: Yeah, and I beat his @ss the day before that. Lets see, I think Ben got him the day before I did, and Cindy beat him up on Tuesday. Isabel beat his @ss three times over the weekend, and the children beat him like a pinata all last week. What do you think? Should we just let the bald guy get him this time?
Tom: Yeah, sounds good to me. Pour me another cup, will ya?

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Tom: It's gonna be dark soon. I wish I knew some Korean ghost stories, people really seemed to like those.

Ctrl-Z
Nestor Carbonell: So the guy who played Ben's dad was Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite?
M.C. Gainey: Yup! And the guy who played Pedro is right behind me.

Ctrl-Z
Pedro [thinking]: I wonder if I'm his type. I should bake him a cake.

WeatherRock
Richard: Nothing goes better with a cup of coffee than watching a good old fashion asskickin
Tom (thinking): Kickin it.....hell, I'd be tappin it

Action_Potential
Richard: No matter how much time you spend on this island, you just never get tired of this view....
Tom: Yeah... but does Ben really have to go "commando" this early in the morning?

Ctrl-Z
Tom: 10 bucks says it will be Ben.
Richard: Hmm... I'm gonna have to go with Locke on this one.
Tom and Richard betting on who will get to teabag Mikhail
(Sorry Checkie, beat you to it )

hatch_n_sniff
Tom: sooo......Richard......did you ever go by Dick?

paperfist
TOM: Is that guy still looking at me?
RICHARD: uhh....
TOM: Don't turn around! Don't make any eye contact!
RICHARD: Relax, baby! You know you're money! just play it smooth, baby, just play it smooth!... yup, he just looked...
TOM: okay, I'm making a move....

justacoolguy36
The Other's "Zoolander" Look-Alike Contest
sorry Tom, but you dont have it in you

Ctrl-Z
The Other's "Zoolander" Look-Alike Contest
sorry Tom, but you dont have it in you
haha... Richard: I call it "blue steel"

back_gammon
Richard thinks: "Why does Tom get a normal size camp chair while I have to squat on a muffin top?"

llanoestacada
Tom: "Well I'll be damned."
Juan Valdez: "Hola!"
Richard: "How'd he get that damn mule over here?"

TheGeoff
Tom: You look as young as the day I met you.
Richard: Tom, you're not my type.

LIONARTist
Tom: "Next on Kenny Roger's Jackass, the Drinkin Coffee till ya Puke with Monkey Boy game!"

stripeb42123
Tom and Richard: We've got the day off. Wan't some coffee Ben?

The_Victims
richard: so who do you think will be voted off american idol tonight?
tom: i dont care, after sanjaya was voted off i was done with that show...

The_Victims
richard: so how do u think mikhail dies this week?
tom: who cares, im sick of him dieing every week and not staying dead...

Cover your mouth when you...

Ben-a-palooza week continues! I can't stop!


WeatherRock
Ben: Swallow

cmsmith68
Juliert : For gawd's sakes, Ben! Quit eating those fish biscuits!

llanoestacada
Juliet: "I tried to take it out with an ice skate and a rock like you showed me, and look!"

hatch_n_sniff
Ben: "Dr. Candel wants his arm back."

cmsmith68
Ben: Those implants have given you man hands, Juliet.

wednesdayworld
Juliette: Really, my breath is that bad?
Ben, pouting: I'm really hurt by that. I'm not a liar.

cmsmith68
Juliet: Ben! You finally found my g spot!

MingoLeger
OMG! ROFLMAO!!!!!!!
The next line should be:
Ben: Of course, right in the magic box!

MingoLeger
Ben: Congratulations, Juliet! Your impersonation of Jack wins 1st place on "The Next Best Thing"!

JustMech
***Yawn*** I should have guessed that Roger "Work Man" was actually Roger Lodge.
(For those that don't get this, it's a reference to the Blind Date TV show.)

trips_when_she_walks
Juilet: "go to the wish box and think up a tic-tac"

Action_Potential
Juliet: I HATE YOU BEN! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! YOU'RE THE WORST HUMAN BEING IN THE WORLD! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
Ben: Hey I told you they make it extra spicy here. Next time, maybe you'll listen to me and get your thai food "mild". sheesh!

ctrl_Z
JULIET: Don't give me cliches, Ben. I have a right to know.
BEN: Nothing. It's not YOU, it's....
JULIET: Tell me the truth, Ben!
BEN: The truth. you want the truth!? It is your earrings! It is the chopsticks! but it's so much moooore! You're pretentious! You call everyone by their full names! You call my doorman, Sammy, "Samuel", but you didn't even say "Samuel" You went "Sam-U-ELLLLLL"..... Papieh Machay????? What the hell is Papieay Machay??????!!!!!
JULIET: Keep goin'....
BEN: I, I think I made my point. I'm sorry if I was a little harsh.

cmsmith68
Ben: Tom is really your sister, Juliette..

llanoestacada
Ben: "There is no reason to get upset. I told you you can see your sister once you have solved the conception problem."
Juliet: "No, no"
Ben: "Then how can I help you. What can I do to make you feel better?"
Juliet: "Get off my friggin' foot!"

Empty_Cans
Juliet: Ben, please get me a tissue it's running all down my fingers *cries*
Ben: I did tell you not to touch it.
Juliet: Well it's hard...i mean difficult when someone asks you not to do something you just have to do it.
Ben: Really? ... well erm can you stop touching it

JustMech
"Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?"
(For you Mallrats fans)

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: Juliet, I am so sorry. You warned me that the island makes a man's sperm 5 times stronger, but I had no idea it was strong enough to shoot your teeth out.

LIONARTist
Ben: "JULIET! I don't care how big and painful the booger is. I've told you not to pick in my presence!"

Banned_Again_Tony_C
Juliet: Oh my God! The mods deleted my ta-ta thread twice! The horror! The horror!

maddog2108
Ben: Wow, Jules! I didn't know you were such a Red Sox fan! Catch your breath and I'll tell you a Paris Hilton story...

lockesladyluv
i'm so verklempt... discuss among yourselves... carrie... genius writing or depressing mess....

LIONARTist
Ben: "I know you've been working on it all day. But that is still the worst Joe Cocker impression I've ever seen"

CheckieEatsOrganicPopTarts
Ben: Juliet, why do you keep covering your mouth like that?Juliet: I'm sorry, it's just a reflex. Every time I see those big bug eyes of yours, I think a giant mosquito is flying towards my mouth.

Wake me up before you go go…

grannieindisguise
Ben: All right, John, this is standing up. Wanna try it?

grannieindisguise
Locke: What is it, Ben? What have you been trying to tell me?
Ben: John, you complete me.

bringingSazyback
Locke: Wha?
Ben: I said I have to piss and I'm scared of the smoke monster. Come with me.

WeatherRock
Locke: Magic box? I don't know about that, but I got your magic stick right here
Locke: I was just laying here, looking at the stars and wondering what they mean.
Ben: They mean someone stole your tent, John.

hellolost
You know Ben you really didn't need to p.ee on me in order to wake me up. Get up Locke would have worked just fine

maddog2108
Ben: John, I thought you said you couldn't erect a tent???

WeatherRock
Ben: There is plenty of room in my tent for your little tent, John

ctrl_Z
Locke: For the last time, the answer is NO, ben!
Ben: What? Do I have to make you a mix tape?

Daddio_of_4
Ben to Locke: Is that a shadow on your pants or are you just happy to see me?

042078
Locke: it's the pants!! It's just the pants!!

042078
Locke: Dammit, ben, You're worse than the dang button! At least that thing gave me 108 minutes of peace!

LIONARTist
Ben: "Time to make the doughnuts"

LIONARTist
Locke: "Please, oh please, oh please....let that be his thumb"

042078
Ben: You ever seen a grown man nakid? You ever watch Gladiator movies?

BG:
Gladiators?! Hmmm, I wonder how many toes this guy has? That’s it! Mystery solved!


stephvig
Ben(in a sarcastic tone):Sure Locke, I believe you were pushed out a window.
Locke: I swear, it really happened. This is what I looked like when I landed!!!

MingoLeger
Ben: Locke, you were wrong about the horse. Now go get the bucket and mop from BG's last caption contest and clean that mess in my tent.

LIONARTist
Ben: "John....I just had to wake you up a to tell you the exciting news. Paris Hilton is going to jail"
Locke: "Huh? Wake me if you find out Nicole Ritchie is going too"

hatch_n_sniff
" seeing you on the ground like that brings a whole new meaning to Brokeback Mountain"

TheGeoff
No, it wasn't a dream. It was a real island. And you were there, Henry Gale. And you, and you

wednesdayworld
Ben: What, can't get to sleep without your blankie?
Locke: No, I can't get to sleep without my blue tarp.

MingoLeger
Locke: Why, Ben, it appears that YOU are not the man we thought you were!

JustMech
Locke: "That's Jacob? Look Ben, I know I said I wanted to meet him but..."
Ben: "You're not who I thought you were, John."

wednesdayworld
Ben: Look, you're new. Some who've been with us longer get to sleep in tents.
Locke, to himself: I'm always the Outsider. Everywhere I go in life, I'm always the Outsider

Action_Potential
Ben: "Hello John. Alright listen to this. What if I told you that on this island there was a magic box, and in this box you can find anything you want, ANYTHING you wanted! Even a magic unicorn!... No wait, let me try this again. Alright, you see, you're special John. You're more special than anyone here. From the moment you wiggled your little toes, I knew that you were the one, John. You're the one that Jacob has been waiting for. And let me tell you, Jacob loves you like you wouldn't even know, John. No wait, that came out wrong. Alright, let me think, How should I put this? Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I wanna dip your bald head in oil and rub it all over my body."

Locke: [long pause...] "You had me at hello."

MinnaMinnaPoo
Ben: "Locke, wake up."
Locke: "Whaaa?"
Ben: "I just can't quit you, baby." (Leans in for a kiss)
Locke: "Dammit, not again!!"

paperfist
Ben: Wake up, John, you silly sleepy head. It's time for us to go to candy mountain. Yes, candy moutain, John. The land of sweets, and joy, and joyness....

Daddio_of_4
Ben to John: It's simple. I give a new tribal name to each member by naming them after the first thing I see when they join the group. Why do you ask "Two Dogs Fecking"?

thats_that
Hey John, Uh... I'm gonna have to reveal an island secret to you right now, you see, this island mutates sperm 5 times stronger, and um.... you might not wanna sleep in that spot precisely... just sayin'

llanoestacada
Locke: "Can I have binkie back?"
Ben: "I thought we talked about the transition you have to make from relience on the past. That this is part of the transition."
Locke: "How about Mr. Nubbins?"
Ben: "Just get some sleep. We have a big day of deceit and patricide tomorrow."
Locke: "Would you leave your tent door unzipped? Just a little?
Ben: "Well, alright."

Daddio_of_4
Ben to Locke: Oh sure now that it's time to pack up all these tents and shite and hike over the mountain does your paralysis come back...

Pretty convienient for you isn't it?

Daddio_of_4
Ben to Locke: I just came by to tell you that you can have your wheel chair back.... I won't be needing it anymore..... and next time let me know in advance that the beachies were using it to haul firewood...

I've got a splinter in my arzt and without Jack, we don't have a qualified surgeon to remove it...

Bastages!

Clean Up Your Mess

BG: This contest went to hell in a bucket - a mop bucket that is. I laughed until my stomach hurt and I couldn't possibly pick winners. They're all just too good.


JustMech
When you said that I would 'really clean up' if I helped you with your next con, this wasn't what I had in mind!

cmsmith68
Locke: You call this floor clean? I want you to sit there and think about the poor job you've done.

cmsmith68
Locke: Now look what you've done! You forgot to put the Wet Floor sign up and Ben slipped and fell and now he's in a wheel chair

Goony123
"Let's get ready to ruuuumblllle! I'm referee Mills Lane, welcome to the first ever Wheelchair Boxing Match. In the red corner, weighing in at two hundred nineteen and a half pounds, from Tallahassee, Anthony "Son Tosser" Cooper! And in the blue corner, weighing in at one hundred seventy five pounds, from parts unknown, Ben "The Manipulator" Linus. Gentlemen, let's have clean fight."

wednesdayworld
Locke, to Cooper: Yes, all prisoners are allowed one phone call. Phone's by the window. Oh, and guess what floor we're on here.
Ben: My money was on a kidney recall.

TheGeoff
We don't have a code for "There's a man in the mop closet threatening his father." But maybe we should.

Lockes_Box
"Boy! the game "mouse trap" has changed quite Ben since I used to play it with my brother when I was young."

maddog2108
Locke to Cooper:
Remember you used to sing me this song? Well, NOW I get it!
Locke sings:

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue (that's me dad)
and the man on the moon (that's you Ben)
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then...

MissingPlane
" For The Love of PETE Ben!!,,if your goin to hog tie someone to a wheelchair ya gota let them have a visit to the mens room every now and then..

kharma_bites
Ben:
What now?
Locke:
What now? Let me tell you "what now?" I'm gonna call a couple a hard, pipe-hittin' ******* to go to work on the homes here, with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.

lostieAR
Locke: What do you mean you don't know the latest theories? They are still trying to decide if the box is symbolic or realistic, and if you were manifested through Smokey. And you Ben, some fan is counting your every syllable. You guys really need to start reading the boards again.

justacoolguy36
so we got a ladder, some kegs, and a mop?
BUT WHERE THE HELL ARE THE GIRLS?!
--- ABC's newest idea for a viagra commercial

LIONARTist
Locke: "You mean to tell me, that I work my a$$ off all day, hunting boars, throwing knives, tracking others, blowing up communications stations, and I come home to find you haven't done a damn thing ALLLLL DAY?!!!! Lookit this house. It's a pigsty!!!"

ctrl_Z
Locke: I don't understand. What do you mean you want me to mop the floor with my dad?
Ben: It's a metaphor you idiot! Jeez! you take things so literally. I'm starting to wonder why the island chose you.

BulletProofBreast
Ben: *singing
Mr. Clean gets rid of dirt and grime and grease in just a minute,
Mr. Clean will clean your whole house and everything that's in it.
Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean! Mr. Clean!

Locke: Damnit I am not Mr Clean!!
Cooper: You can't clean this room, you don't have the guts, you're weak.
Locke: Don't tell me what I can't do!!!!!
*grabs the mop*

bringingSazyback
Locke: Dad, if you want to run in the annual wheelchair race of the mangoes, you have to have wheels on your chair.
Ben: Like mine, Coop, see my cool wheels?
Cooper: Well, I could ride that mop bucket
Ben: WheelCHAIR race...CHAIR....my god but you are pathetic..
Locke: Ben.....no goodsportsman conduct medal for you.
Ben:

BG:
Cooper: Well, I could ride that mop bucket...


justacoolguy36
looks like a new version of the shopping cart stunt from Jackass . . . .
Lostass
"Hi, I'm Anthony Cooper, and this is the 'little yellow mop bucket' . . . "

bringingSazyback
Locke: You complete me...
Ben: Hey! You said I complete you!
Locke: Well, you completed me yesterday and he completes me today.
Ben: I want my friendship bracelet back.
Locke: I WANT MY KIDNEY BACK!
Cooper: See what you did?

bringingSazyback
Locke: Dad? How come you've got all kinds of hair and I only have three or four strands?
Cooper: You take after your mama.
Locke: She's got all kinds of hair too.
Cooper: Just get over it already!
Locke: But James keeps calling me rude names, like Mr. Clean.
Cooper: Who's that?
Locke: I'll introduce you later.

captainaeon
Cooper--'Well, if it isn't Locke and his girlfriend Helen...'
Locke--'Helen?'
Cooper--'Yeah, Helen WHEELS, hee hee...'
Ben--'John, you didn't tell me your father was a sitcom writer. Let's show him what we do for sweeps, shall we?...'

042078
Locke: And I'm tellllllllllling you....I'm not going! You're the best dad I've ever known...there's no way I could ever go...no no no no way...

BulletProofBreast
Locke: You really need to shut up, or I'll stick this mop where the sun don't shine...
Cooper: Light shines everywhere when anyone's around you, it reflects of your HEAD you bald bastard!!

hatch_n_sniff
Dad, when you said I would clean up at the bank, I never thought it was the Dharma Sperm Bank!! Did you fill those barrells by yourself?

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Locke: You know, the whole point of playing Musical Chairs is to grab a seat before they're all occupied. If Ben is confined to one chair and Dad is tied to the other one, then just how in the hell am I supposed to have any chance of winning?

LOST_in_my_mind
Locke: I am VERY, very disappointed in you two! I leave this place for 1 hour... one hour and I come back and look what you've done! Cooper.. you didnt put the Caution sign up and he slips and ends up in a wheelchair!! May I remind you this is the SECOND time you've put someone in a wheelchair! And you..!! I have told you before that 2 wrongs DONT make a right, Ben! You had no right to tie Cooper up to a chair! My goodness.... with all this stress- no wonder I'm bald!

knockout Ned
LOCKE : "you mean to tell me that this mop bucket is the magic box? That my father came out of this mop bucket?"

JustMech
Ben: "The Island demands a sacrifice, John."
Locke: "Alright Ben, I'll do it. I'll clean up in here. But I am not wearing the French Maid's outfit!
Cooper: "Careful son, that's what I said."

llanoestacada
Locke: "I told you dad, you should have taken the blue pill."

stephvig
This is the easiest game of monkey in the middle I've ever played!!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Locke: ::singing::

DJ's spinning (show your hands)
Let's get dirty (that's my jam)
I need that, uh, to get me off
Sweat'n til my clothes come off

Ben: That's enough, John. I know I sent you in here to torture your father, but singing Christina Aguilera songs at him? That's uncalled for, and I'm afraid I can't let you continue doing that.

Locke: Don't tell me what I can't do, esp. when I haven't even stripped down to my G-string yet.

Cooper: ::thinking:: Please, God. Kill me now.

Jinja the Ninja

justacoolguy36
Jin once beat Chuck Norris in a round house contest
In an unrelated story, Chuck Norris caused Oceanic 815 to crash.

BulletProofBreast
Jin once took a vacation to the Virgin Islands.
They are now The Islands.

wednesdayworld
Jin: Take that, Fence Fry man!
(Kudus to Daddio for coming up with the nickname "Fence Fry Man." )

SahraB
Jin: Since you refuse to use the Dahrma White strips... let me just help you with your offensive brown smile by kicking your teeth out!

hatch_n_sniff
"Hello Ben, it's me Mikile. I gave up fencing and am giving karate a go."

cmsmith68
Mikhail: What?

JustMech
Sure I enjoyed watching Kate and Juliet mud wrestle, but how was I supposed to know that they would want to watch us do this in return?

wednesdayworld
Jin: Mikhail? Mikhail Baryshinikov? What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer? The Netcracker suite!
Mikhail, to himself: I thought he was going to tell that awful joke about what you call the outfit of a ballerina with one leg . . .

PoeFan1
Jin: Who needs Bernard? I can take care of that toothache right now!
Mikhail: It wath the other thide Jin!

JustMech
The big problem with Super Sperm is that they made my "walnuts" turn into "coconuts", so now I have to walk like this.

ctrl_Z
Island makes sperm 5 time stronger! Shouldn’t Patchy be pregnant from that kick?

captainaeon
Jin--'I learned this on 'Expose'--Razzle Dazzle!!!'

llanoestacada
Jin: Subtitle this!

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Patchy's favorite oldies tune:

Jin Kwon was a fisherman's son
And when his daddy would visit he'd come along
When they gathered around and started talkin'
That's when Jin would take me walkin'
Out through the back yard he'd start stompin'
Then he'd kick me in the eyes
Lord knows, to my surprise

The only one who could ever beat me
Was the son of a fisherman
The only boy who could ever mistreat me
Was the son of a fisherman
Yes he was, he was, ooh, yes he was