Nessum Dharma Edition

llanoestacada
Juliet: "When my soul was in the lost and found, you came along to claim it."

Ben: "Ba oooop"

hatch_n_sniff
Jules: "I know, I know, mark the tents.....gain their trust....blah blah blah........oh by the way- Jacob said he's out of toilet paper."

MingoLeger
Ben: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOklahoma, where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain . . . .
Juliet: Dang, he's a better torturer than Sayid.

WeatherRock
Hi Ho Hi Ho
It's off to work we go

MissingPlane
,,Ben..aa..aaa..AAA..CHEWWWW!!!!!
Julie.(.oh good..maybe i won't have to blow his brains out,,he'll do it himself...)

042078
B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O,
And Bingo was his name O...
herrrrrrrre was a farmer had a dog and bingo was his name O...

Juliet: I can't believe he has been singing this song for the last 3 hours...

LIONARTist
Ben: "....i trapezi ronzavano elettrici
uccelli di piuma di un mondo di luna
legati i compagni per mano
libravan da pesci
vicini e lontano
si sfioran d'un tratto i due bracci
appesi nell'aria
come due stracci
sul sangue buttarono rena
ed entran di corsa i pagliacci"

Juliet: "Yeah, that's it. Laugh, clown, laugh"

back_gammon
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens
Precognitive hatch sitters who hail from Great Britain
Hateful teenage daughters who hurl rocks in slings
These are a few of my favorite things

Ageless men in eyeliner and skeletons in ditches
Backstabbing fertility doctors who turn into b.itches
Crying spinal surgeons that plane crashes bring
These are a few of my favorite things...

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel...so bad

LIONARTist
Ben: "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH, my baloney has a first name. It's O-S-C-A-R. My baloney has a second name. It's M-A-Y-E-R. And I like to eat it every day, and if you ask me why I'll say..."
Juliet: ..."cause Benji Linus has a way of being oh so feckin gaaaaaay"

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

MissingPlane
Ben." YOU say Open Chest!
..I say top button closed!
..You say solid colors .
..I say Stripes, Lets call the whole thing off!

Julie..WHAT thing?

042078
Lost producers finally reveal Smoky's origins...it's Ben's halitosis.

MissingPlane
Ben....ROSIE'S GONE!!!???..OMG! Omg!..omg..

042078
Ben: oooooooo Baby do you know what that's worth? We'll make heaven a place on earth...they say in heaven, Ben comes first...we'll make heaven a place on earth

Juliet: Note to self: steal Ben's Belinda Carlisle CD and put it in my Talking Heads CD case...

LIONARTist
Ben: "Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo.....

Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo....."

Juliet: "You know, Ben....it really sounds stupid..... when you only sing the Akon part of THe Sweet Escape"

TomHasFeelings
Ben: OOOOOOOOOOOOOoohhh Crap! I forgot to unplug the iron when i left this morning to go torture Kate and Sawyer. "Alex!" "Go unplug the iron!"
back_gammon
She had dumps like a truck truck truck
Thighs like what what what
All night long
Let me see that thooooooooong...

MissingPlane
Ben..OOH, The Head Bone connected to the Neck Bone,
..The Neck Bone connected to Shoulder bone..
..The Shoulder bone connected to the Chest bone..
..The Chest bone connected to the..
Julie..BEN!!

PoeFan1
Ben: You know, Juliette if you keep frowning like that you'll get wrinkles. Let me show you some facial exercises.

CAPSLOCKE
JULIET: c'mon ben! you have to let me go off the island!

BEN: Bismillah! no-,we will not let you go!
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let you go
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let you go
Will not let you go-let you go
Will not let you go let you go
No,no,no,no,no,no,no-

rememberGoodwin
Juliet's thoughts......here we go again, every father's day it's Roger this and Roger that, I am soooo sick of having to listen to these stories. And why on earth do we have to hike up to the stupid van?

TheGeoff
Juliet: No, he's singing again!

Ben: I'm Henry Gale I am.
Henry Gale I am, I am.
John Locked me up and he shut the door.
He said he'd heard my many lies before.
He won't believe I'm a Henry.
He must think I'm a Danny or a Ben.
But I still say I am Henry.
Henry Gale of St. Paul, Minn.

lockesladyluv
ben, i told you a thousand times, that's not how we will be posting on the new boards...

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: Let's get ready to ruuuuuuuuummmmmmmmmmbbbblllllllllllllleeeeeeeee!
Juliet: If he thinks I'm gonna mudwrestle Kate in every single episode, he's out of his damn mind.

Iheartlocke 2005
Ben: Ohhhhh, better out than in, I always say!
Juliet: Got one of those masks, handy?

Iheartlocke
"Ohhh, Zippadee-doo-dah, Zippadee-ay! My Oh My What a Wonderful Day!"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Ben: Whooooo Whooooo!!!!
Juliet: Ben, I don't care how far we walk, we are not playing Choo Choo Train.
Ben: Maybe you're not playing, but I can. Yeah, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can......

Iheartlocke
Ben: So Juliett, when you kiss Jack, I want you to make sure that you pucker up reaaaal good. Like dis..... Are you listening? Now what are you going to do?
Juliett: Yeah, yeah. I'm going to pucker up and kiss Jack.

zenmaster5280
Ben singing Muddy Waters:
Got my mojo working, but it just won't work on you
Got my mojo working, but it just won't work on you
I wanna love you so bad till I don't know what to do
I'm going down to Louisiana to get me a mojo hand
I'm going down to Louisiana to get me a mojo hand
I'm gonna have all you women right here at my command
Got my mojo working. Got my mojo working
Got my mojo working. Got my mojo working
Got my mojo working. Got my mojo working
Got my mojo working. Got my mojo working
Got my mojo working, but it just won't work on you...

Juliet thinking: DamN straight its not working on me!

hatch_n_sniff
Jules: I've told you and told you again, you're not my type Ben. Niki, Clair, Kate- heck even Rose are my type. Is it starting to sink in now?
Ben: OHHH......OOHHHHH.......OOOHHHHH

dharma4815
the coconut banger's ball, IT'S A RAP!
who let those dogs out, who let those dogs out, who let those little dogs gooooooooooooooo.....goulet.

Iheartlocke
Juliett: Alright Ben, who's in the Pentavarite?
Ben: The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, *and* Colonel Sanders before he went t i t s up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee *beady* eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"
Juliett: Ben, how can you hate the Colonel?
Ben: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smart a s s!

llanoestacada
Ben: "Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo...."
Juliet: "Don't you think it is a little late for that?"

ALDILA
After all these years Dharma finally delivered Juliet's dollmate - the Ben Model.

talkswithhands
Ben: "and then Lucy says, 'Oooooh Ricky.' Yep that is definitely my favorite tv show."
Juliet thinking: "Why does Mikhail only tape Nick at Night?"

Sawyers_Sidekick
Ben: Just Catchin The 'ol flies for supper ....

knockout Ned
Juliet: "Ben, i have a secret to tell you... you know my sister, Rachel?... Um, you know Tom?.... well, tom IS my sister Rachel."

silverhalo1217
Ben: *singing* Ohhhh.... who lives in a pineapple under the sea!

The Final Frontier Edition

The Next Generation to boldly go...


Iheartlocke
John Locke Picard: Captain's log 481516234.2....we are currently pursuing a boar-g .

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Earlier today, ABC released the DVD cover art for LOST - The Complete 1,065th Season.

captainaeon
Now that's a flashforward!

hatch_n_sniff
"Back Gammon is on vacation this week and has been replaced by Lenord Nimoy."

Richards_Eyeliner
Captain John Locke Picard: "Cut engines to impulse power and reduce altitude to 500 feet. Release Dharma food pallet on my command.
Ben Data: "Captain! There's a swirling black cloud erupting from the island. It's headed right for us!"
Captain John Locke Picard: "Sound the alert, Mr. Worfko! Sonic shields to full power!"

LostDUI
-Even with a new cast, everyone still hates Wesley.

captainaeon
BenData--'Captain, we appear to be experiencing a holodeck malfunction, the scenario being we have survived a plane crash and are now living on a mysterious island...'
JohnLocke Picard--'Thank goodness! I thought we were in Purgatory!'

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
In the not so distant future, the cast of LOST will be just like toilet paper. They will travel around Uranus looking for Klingons.

LIONARTist
John Locke Picard: "..........engage"
Mr. Worfko: "Once you go Klingon, you never go human"
Capt. Jack Ryker "Shields UP! Red alert! Boo-hoo, boo-hoo"
Benry Data: "If you prick me, do I not... leak?"
De-Annie Troi: "Q is making an a$$ of himself again"

talkswithhands
Captain: Number 1, Make it so.
Troi thinking to herself: Ha, he only makes it so-so, that's why I picked Sawyer!

talkswithhands
William Shatner offscreen: Have people forgotten that... I... was... the... original... Captain?

huntsman99
LOST , the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Islander. Its continuing mission. To seek out who's life and who's civilization. To explore strange new cultures. To boldly go where only few have gone before.

Iheartlocke
John Locke Picard: Captain's log 481516234.2....we are currently pursuing a boar-g .

Iheartlocke
John Locke Picard, to Jack Ryker:
Lt. Red Shirt Boone was a sacrifice that the Enterprise demanded.

captainaeon
Sawyer--'Boy howdy! Ya'll got one mighty fine space boat here, Capt Chrome Dome!'
The Emissary from Planet Redneck arrives onboard...

hatch_n_sniff
Bonesy: "Damm it Jim, they already have a Doctor."

rememberGoodwin
Even in the future, with all sorts of fancy technology, ships are still crashing on the island!

042078
That needs no caption. It's dang funny all on its own...

042078
Dr. Artz: Blow me up Scotty...there's no intelligent life on this island.

back_gammon
Captain John Locke Picard: "Kate Troi, make it sew!"
Kate Troi: "Make it sew?! I made the drapes in my apartment once, but I don't think I can make it sew!"

captainaeon
BenData--'Captain, the Prime Directive forbids your stabbing the Emissary from Planet Redneck for calling you Capt ChromeDome...'
JohnLocke Picard--'Don't tell me what I can't do!'

captainaeon
EkoWorf--'Today is a good day to die!'
Smokey--'Funny you should say that...'

captainaeon
JohnLocke Picard thinks to himself--'Sure I'm wearing a red shirt, but I have nothing to worry about. Lead characters in prime time shows never get killed off...'

Iheartlocke
Away team BenData and Michael Laforge on their exploratory mission of the mysterious Planet Island......
BenData: Let's see if we can get a 'locke on' and beam down to this 'Black Rock' that the creature 'Rousseau' keeps mentioning. Set your phasers to stun!
Michael Laforge: I'm picking up some interference. It appears to be a life form, but I have no visual. And you'd have to be a Ferengie to hear those whispers!

back_gammon
Mr. Worfko: "Captain, a transmission from Star Fleet. The Hostiles have left Hostilian territory and are about to enter the Neutral Zone. If we don't intercept them before they enter Dharmamian space it could mean all out war, a PURGE."

TheGeoff
Island...the final frontier. These are the voyages of Oceanic Airlines. It's unsuccessful mission: To transport strange new characters. To seek out new customers and new passengers. To boldly go from Sydney to Los Angeles.

back_gammon
Dr. Claire Crusher to Mr. Worfko: "We could try botox, but I think you're going to need a complete forehead lift to get the best result."

TheGeoff
Not an original caption, but I can't resist posting this:

BOONE: Ever watch Star Trek?

LOCKE: Nah, not really.

BOONE: The crew guys that would go down to the planet with the main guys, the captain and the guy with the pointy ears, they always wore red shirts. And they always got killed.

LOCKE: Yeah?

BOONE: Yeah.

LOCKE: Sounds like a piss-poor captain.

TheGeoff
John Locke Picard: Computer, where is Lt. Hurley?

Computer: Please enter access code.

John Locke Picard: 4 8 15 16 23 32

Computer: Incorrect code.

Jack Riker: It's 42. 4 8 15 16 23 42.

Computer: Lt. Hurley is in holodeck 3, with his holographic friend Dave.

zenmaster5280
Heard from Holodeck 5:

Buttercup: I fear I'll never see you again.
Wesley as Westley: Of course you will.
Buttercup: But what if something happens to you?
Wesley as Westley: Hear this now: I will come for you.
Buttercup: But how can you be sure?
Wesley as Westley: This is true love. You think this happens every day?

Beverly Claire Crusher: (Overhears Wesley on holodeck) This shouldn't be happening!

Michael La Forge: (Overhears Beverly Claire Crusher) We've lost a lotta good people down there...

Beverly Claire Crusher: But he's my BAAAAAAAABAAAY!

Helluva Rash Edition

lockesladyluv
Jack: Looks like someone ripped you a new one....

hatch_n_sniff
Coming this Fall on ABC, CSI:Pacific

Kharmabitesv2
Ben:
So did the waxing go ok?? Is all my back hair gone now? Do you think Juliette will like it?
Jack??

MissingPlane
..Jack...Well ben,,i hope you learned your lesson about lighting up your ph arts..

gwenniesgrannie
Ben: Does this sheet make me look fat?

Cheezeee
Jack: That's one hell of a crack you have Ben!

hello_smitty
Jack: I'm a doctor, dammit! Not an esthetician!

MissingPlane
..HELLO!..What??,,I can barely hear you,,Speak LOUDER!..NO! I Can't Hear You Now...

BulletProofBreast
*Stitch from Lilo and Stitch runs up and bites Ben*
Ben to Jack: uhhhhhhhhh, does this look infected to you?

hello_smitty
Jack: How am I going to get all this blood out of my hair

hello_smitty
Jack: Do you like my new tattoo? CTV HD? No, I don't know what it means.

Action_Potential
Jack, if you kiss my boo-boo, I will let you go home, for reals now, I'm not lying, seriously this time, believe me, uh huh.

hello_smitty
Jack: It also looks like you have worms, Ben

MissingPlane
...Jack looked into the Eye of Ghora,,and he saw the past and the future,,he saw all things that have been and all things that were to be , great and small , minute and infinite, The Glories Transcended on to him and he said.".Julie,,hydrogen peroxide,,got any?"

Cheezeee
Jack: I think you blew a gasket Ben!
Ben: It was the dharma burritoes.

MissingPlane
..aaah...take two aspirin and call me in the morning...

hello_smitty
Jack: If i connect the moles on your back, Ben, it spells JACOB. Who is Jacob?

Cheezeee
Ben : are you sneaking up on me again Jack?
Jack: I thought you were sleeping .

MissingPlane
..Well Ben.. i don't think you'll be doin Disco Nite for awhile...

hello_smitty
Jack: Tom did this? Wow..............

gretchielost
Jack:
"Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
Ben:
"Bad news."
Jack:
"That girl you slept with? Yeah, she has herpes. But the good news is that your a daddy."
*Ben groans*

hello_smitty
Jack: Looks like you have a tattoo, too, Ben: It says "Isabella was here"

MissingPlane
..So ben,,what would you say about the chances of ..the Stanley Cup goin to Los Angles..yea Hockey,,and the team is named after a Movie uuh huh!.well I'd say the same about your back...

paperfist
Jack: "woh boy! That's huge! Nothing short of Chuck Norris' tears will cure this! well good luck with all that!"

zenmaster5280
Jack: I'm afraid there's not much we can do. Once you've stepped through that Looking Glass. Ever seen Sigourney Weaver in Aliens?

hatch_n_sniff
Jack: "Your sex change operation was a success, I have evidence of menstral flow Ben..........I mean Benita."

NiceGuy Eddie
Ok, Ben, which one is the mole that's been leaking information about us?

zenmaster5280
Ben: Gotta stop playing Red Rover, Red Rover with Mihkail and that Sonic fence.....

gretchielost
Jack: "Looks like you have a rash. Did you run out of Charmin Ultra?"
Ben (looking guilty): "Yeah, but I found some soft leaves in the jungle."

Holden_Caulfields_Girl
Juliet: No, Jack, I wanted you to look at his back, not under the sheet.

NiceGuy Eddie
Remember the old Hanso foundation website?
http://lxicon.com/prompt.swf
>: HELLO?
>: WHO IS THIS?
>: MOLE.

hatch_n_sniff
"The truth finally emerges: Jack Shepperd is a BACK STABBER."

MissingPlane
..Termites!,,yep,,better call the Rankin Man...

MissingPlane
..well..Locke was only half rite...

hello_smitty
Jack: **sniff sniff ** Smells like teen spirit

iaml0st815
Jack: Wow, Ben, you really don't have a spine.

lost_ponderings
Ben: I was wondering if we could try some alternative medicine.
Jack: What? I am a doctor.
Alex: (calls sarcastically from the other room) If you close your eyes really tight and say, "only fools are bound by time an space" maybe you can fast forward your healing.

dharma4815
jack: deal's off.

TheGeoff
Juliet was given that little mark for killing someone. What did they do to Ben for his part in The Purge?

LostDeeJay
Bugged his eyes

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: Do yourself a favor, Ben. Don't let Mikhail drink a whole pot of coffee before he shaves your back hair again. I mean, he's only got one eye to begin with, and then you let him add caffeine and sugar on top of that? How did you think this was gonna turn out?

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: OK, let me see if I can get your story straight. You said you were walking across the room, you stepped on one of the children's action figures and you lost your balance, and then you fell backwards into the coffee table. I get that part of the story, and it certainly explains how your back got all cut and scraped up like this. The part I don't get, Ben, is how did you end up with your pants off and the action figure of Locke stuck up there?

hatch_n_sniff
"back to the future"

hellolost
Any second now that alien should burst out.

LIONARTist
Jack: "Ben....um....who taught you how to wipe? You're supposed to do a vertical sweeping motion towards the back, not a circular motion over and over and over again"

The_Victims
jack: ben, you and tom REALLY need to leave the s & m off the island.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jack: Whatever it was that penetrated your skin, it was very filthy and disgusting, and it has infected you with it's vile disease and bacteria.
Ben: Oh, my. What do you think it could have been?
Jack: By the looks of things, I'd have to say Bernard bit you.

hatch_n_sniff
"Hungry? I'm think'n Cracker Jack."

TheGeoff
Jack: He walks among us, but he will soon be unable to walk.
Ben: No, Jack, it doesn't say that. It's a scar, not a tattoo!

lost_ponderings
Jack: You know Ben...I just don't know if I really removed all of the tumor. I think I should go back in and make sure.

Iheartlocke
*Now* I know how Juliett made me that hamburger.

Pirates of the Black Rock Edition

TheGeoff
Yo ho everybody.
Yo ho everybody.
Acting like you're stupid pirates
Wearing expensive gold.

hatch_n_sniff
"Those have got to be the worst Pirates I've ever seen."

Rygc
Captain Hook, I presume................the name's Pan.........Peter Pan.

lostieAR
Dom: Just think Naveen if TPTB hadn't killed us off in Season 3 & 4 we wouldn't have been able to star in Pirates of the Carribean VIII.

Rygc
"We're going to need a bigger boat.............."

zenmaster5280
Charlie: Bloody hell, I'm going to Singapore!

Rygc
See, I ate the bloody squid. Now you have to eat the bang-ers and mash! Come on - truth or dare...

MingoLeger
Bloody Rock God Turner: You all everybody!
Captain Sayid Sparrow: ***pushes report violation button***

mlj2298
Could someone throw me in the brig with Sawyer?

rememberGoodwin
So every big movie needs a hobbit in it???

sweetsayid
While Bootstrap Charlie sings the final chorus, Captain Sayid decides EXACTLY how Charlie will die.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Dom: Ahoy, Naveen! Tell me again, what movie is this we're trying out for?
Naveen: It's the new Pirates Of The Caribbean movie.
Dom: Ooh, is that the movie with that little chinese kid, Data? I love him. BEWARE MY PINCHERS OF PERIL!
Naveen: No, you moron. That's the Goonies.
Dom: Oh. Too bad. Ten bucks says I could have gotten Hurley to play Chunk and do the truffle shuffle for us.

TheGeoff
And then they stranded me on an island with a gun and only one bullet. But I didn't need bullets. Not unless there are polar bears, or some nutters trying to kidnap the babies.

TheGeoff
Sayid: Can you give me your word that Captain Jack Sparrow can be trusted? Now he spent ten days with these people and nothing happened to him? And that woman he's spending his time with?
Charlie: Elizabeth?
Sayid: Aye, Elizabeth.

bushman2404
Charlie: "Don't get me wrong...I'm glad we got rescued but did it have to be one of Rosie O'Donnell's gay cruise ships?"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Charlie: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Sayid: ::thinking:: I'm so sick of him saying that every single time he sees me. I wonder if I would lose the crew's trust if I just killed him?

talkswithhands
Sawyer offscreen: "...and really bad eggs."

lockesladyluv
frackin' 'obbitt!!! 'e drank all me rum!!! if 'e 'adn't died in the 'atch i woulda kilt 'im meself!!!!

zenmaster5280
Sayid: Oh, better far to live and die
Under the brave black flag I fly,
Than play a sanctimonious part,
With a pirate head and a pirate heart.
Away to the cheating world go you,
Where pirates all are well-to-do;
But I’ll be true to the song I sing,
And live and die a Pirate King.

For I am a Pirate King!
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Pirate King!

For I am a Pirate King!

Charlie: You are!
Hurrah for our Pirate King!

(ala Pirates of Penzance)

Brave Heart, Braver Legs Edition

MingoLeger
Des: Is that a sub out there?
Gen board: screencap?

Goony123
The debate expands: Ginger, MaryAnne or Desmond?

LostDUI
"What happens here, stays here brotha"

bringingSazyback
I think I got a nibble.....OUCH!
I have GOT to get a proper fishing pole.

lockesladyluv
life is better with your celtic blowing in the breeze....

hatch_n_sniff
Hurley: " Dude you gotta come back now, Julette is wearing your clothes and chasing Charlie around the camp telling him he's going to die. Dude please.........I mean seriously......... it's really freak'n him out."

TheGeoff
In May, Mrs. Hawking showed she has the best legs in the Lost Caption Contest (see Granny Got Gams edition).
In June, we see how Desmond's have improved.
Don't miss the final showdown, coming to the Lost Caption Contest in July!

gwenniesgrannie
I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll...

bg: blow grannie blow!

hello_smitty
He's got legs
He knows how to use them

paperfist
Well we've done it now... Claire is out of razors.

rememberGoodwin
Overheard later that day....."I had this flash where I standing on the beach, pregnant, and wanting sea urchins. For some reason, I kept wondering where Jin was"

LostDeeJay
I'm too sexy... for this sarong, too sexy for this island ... Too sexy by far ... you know what I mean

bringingSazyback
I wonder what happened to that nice lady who gave me her husband's boat. Wouldn't it be something if she ended up here, too, and because of a curious twist of lime and tequila, er, fate, she got shot before we could meet up again? Ah Des, that's crazy talk.

PoeFan1
"I feel pretty, oh so pretty!"

Rygc
On the catwalk, on the catwalk, when I strut my little tush on the catwalk.................

PoeFan1
"I'm definitely feeling a draft... a draft aft."

MingoLeger
Was that an African or a European swallow?

hatch_n_sniff
"Penny I know your out there, and so does little McDes."

Rygc
Anyone up for a pi$$ing contest? That ship could be the target.................ah........wait a minute.........SHIP! SHIP!

appathetic_and_confused
Tie-die is so much better than a kilt when ya want to feel the ocean breez brotha.....

Rygc
ONE....singular sensation, every little step he takes.....

zenmaster5280
Zen: You got legs right up to your neck
You're making me a physical wreck
I'm talking to you
Hot legs, sans your shoes
Hot legs, you're making me drool
Hot legs, you're making me a fool
I love you honey

LIONARTist
She asks me why
I'm just a hairy guy
I'm hairy noon and night
Hair that's a fright
I'm hairy high and low
Don't ask me why
Don't know
It's not for lack of break
Like the Grateful Dead
Darling

Gimme head with hair
Long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming,
Streaming, flaxen, waxen

Give me down to there hair
Shoulder length or longer
Here baby, there mama
Everywhere daddy daddy

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Let it fly in the breeze
And get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas
A hive for bees
A nest for birds
There ain't no words
For the beauty, the splendor, the wonder
Of my...

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy
Snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty
Oily, greasy, fleecy
Shining, gleaming, streaming
Flaxen, waxen
Knotted, polka-dotted
Twisted, beaded, braided
Powdered, flowered, and confettied
Bangled, tangled, spangled, and spaghettied!

Oh say can you see
My eyes if you can
Then my hair's too short

Down to here
Down to there
Down to where
It stops by itself

They'll be ga ga at the go go
When they see me in my toga
My toga made of blond
Brilliantined
Biblical hair

My hair like Jesus wore it
Hallelujah I adore it
Hallelujah Mary loved her son
Why don't my mother love me?

Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it
Long as God can grow it
My hair

Raw Urchin Edition

JustMech
Jin: "That it. No more blowfish for you."

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jin Kwon discovers that the island makes a man's sperm 5 times stronger when he approaches Claire, impregnates her from three feet away and the fetus instantly grows to full size.

niobe23
Jin: What do you mean its mine?

bringingSazyback
Jin: Anything from the bar, miss?
Claire: Yeah, s** on the beach
Jin: Take it easy lady! I'm a married man!

Sawyers_Sidekick
Claire: Look Jin, When I Hold My Arms Out Like This, The Wind Just Lifts Up My Dress! HeHe!

MingoLeger
Claire: God the service sucks around here. I ordered a Mai Tai.

Rygc
Claire: Can't a girl get a decent meal around here???? Charlie offers me invisible peanutbutter and now you offer me raw sea creature???? I NEED REAL FOOD and if somebody doesn't come up with something real soon, I will drop this baybay right here and right now!!

lostieAR
Claire: I wonder who Kristen was talking about that was being high maintenance during a beach scene and that none of her co-workers want to work with her. Surely she doesn't mean me? Maybe if I just smile really big.

MingoLeger
Claire: Sun was just telling me that your woo hoo is THIS big!

seekaterun
Claire : A...a....Chooo !
Jin : Please, no sneeze on my food !

rememberGoodwin
Yeaaah! Jin, the play you wrote is brilliant! What's the title again? The Hired Chef and the Diamond Heist? Brilliant! How'd ya ever come up with the idea??

LIONARTist
Jin: "Holy carp! Those makeup and wardrobe people need help. First Jack and Locke's wigs and now this."

LIONARTist
Jin thinking: "She said to feel it?!!! What does she want me to feel?!!! Her belly?!!! Her b00b?!!! Her bootay?!!! Oh no! What if Sun sees me feeling her up?!!! What will she say?!!!"

bringingSazyback
Claire: HA! I told you I could urinate on your leg from here.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Jin: Excuse me, Miss, but I have a big mussel that I want you to have.

Claire: A big "muscle"? Is that all you guys ever think about? Getting a big "muscle" from some guy is how I got knocked up to begin with. No thank you, you can just take your big "muscle" and go away, you pervert.

Jin: No, I meant that I wanted you to eat this mussel I just got from the ocean. You know, put it in your mouth and chew because it's good for you and your baby. But that's fine, if you do not wish to eat this mussel, I'm sure someone else will.

Claire: No, wait, I'm sorry I misunderstood you. I would love to have your mussel.

Another Lostie, off camera: Jesus, is that all these women think about? That's probably how she got knocked up to begin with.

Board Transition Edition

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Dr. Marvin Candle: "Once the board transition is complete, it is imperative that this message board be used for reading only. I repeat, this board is for reading only. Failure to comply with this rule may result in another "incident". And by "incident", I mean that the new board will appear for 15 minutes and then dissapear again because the morons at the DharmABC Inititaive don't have a clue what they're doing. I mean seriously, if these asswookies had any idea what they were doing, it would be a miracle. Wait, is that camera still rolling? We can edit that last part out, right? Sh!t!. Uhm... I mean, Namaste.

Sneaker123
"I am Dr. Marvin Candle. Behind me you see the documentation that will accompany the new ABC Lost Message Boards....."

captainaeon
...If you would like the new board to blow up, enter 77...

TheGeoff
In other news today, Mikhail Bakunin died. This is the second death for Bakunin, also known as Patchy, Cyclops, McPatchy, and Eyepatch Dude. He has worked for The Others since -- breaking news, Mikhail Bakunin is alive!

Ctrl-Z
Manual override achieved.
For a new board uplink enter 2-4.
To increase thread limit, enter 3-2.
For communication with moderators enter 3-8.
None of the above operations are functional.
If there has been an incursion of the board by noobs, enter 77.

hatch_n_sniff
Please support ,"Marvin's Kids" Telethon.

MingoLeger
It is highly recommended that you and your partner take alternating pants, in this manner you will stay fresh and alert.
Oops, wrong game!

JustMech
I'd like to speak to you for a few minutes about Enzyte, the key to natural male enhancement.

LIONARTist
Good evening. This is Fox news at nine, I'm Dr. Marvin Candle and I'm not wearing any pants

JustMech
I'm not just the President of The Artificial Limb Club for Men, I'm also a client.

MingoLeger
Marvin Candle: And now, my top 18 thoughts and questions on the board transition.

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
"...experts have been tracking the meteor for weeks now and it appears to be headed for the downtown area. No one is sure just when the meteor will strike, but we will keep you posted when more details are available. In other news, a local man who recently won the lottery has used a portion of his winnings to purchase the Chicken Shack he once worked for. Our own Tricia Tanaka is live on location and has an exclusive interview with the restaurant's new millionaire owner...........Tricia?...........Tricia?.........Are you there?...........Hello?.............

MissingPlane
Welcome. I'm Senior Fellow Harold Kerosene Lamp. You have been exposed to thee Dharma Future. Seeing the future is a priviledge. I wish I had the priviledge of seeing the future. Maybe if had been given the priviledge of seeing the future i would be able to close my fingers on my left hand. Maybe i would actually have real fingers on my left hand. Maybe,,just MAYBE, if I Had BeenGiven The PRIVILEDGE OF SEEING THE FUTURE..I would still HAVE A REAL LEFT HAND!,,But,,I digress..You Have seen the future. It is imperative you don't loose your head over it. You really don't want a prosthetic head. We here at Dharma appreciate all the suggestions. Soon, the future will be now. When It comes, count your blessings if you still can...Namaste' !!

MingoLeger
Bad George!
I hope he doesn't transition to the new board.

hatch_n_sniff
Dr. Candle: "You want to talk about a transition, try typing with this left hand!"

MingoLeger
Dr. Candle: If we can't learn to transition together, we're gonna transition alone.

back_gammon
Marvin Candle: The boards are inoperable? That means communications are down. For "Dancing With the Stars" access enter 634-5789 and wiggle your purple sequined thong.

TheGeoff
Lost will not be seen today, so that we may bring you this special presentation sponsored by the Dharma Initiative. Our regularly scheduled programming will continue in nine months.

rememberGoodwin
....again, this project is very important. Lastly, if you do find time to leave your hatch, please visit the Dharma Initiative Store where you will find great deals and a huge selection. And you can get a free Dharma cofee mug with all purchases over 20 dollars! Thank you and namaste.

MissingPlane
Hello I'm Dr Marvin Candle,,You mite remember me from such great hits as,,Intro to the Swan Hatch,,and who can forget Intro to the Pearl Hatch?. I'm here to talk to you about The New Board. If you have no experience with the Old Board, then you won't know about what led us here at Dharma to create The New Board. There are certain " species" here ,particular to the Old Baord, that our electronic fence has been incapable of keeping out. Our New Board has all the modern technology and promises an improved security system, allowing for a much more pleaseant stay. Soon you will want to make the final commitment. We here look foward to that time when you make the final committment. Dharma Initiative requires your final committment for the betterment of all mankind. Your final committment will help Dharma Intiative in achieving its Imperative,,that is,, solving all of mankinds problems,,and ushering in an infinite era of Peace, Love and Happiness. Dharma Iniative thanks you for your patience and looks foward to the time You make the Final Committment..

UsurpSynapse
What Dr. Candle doesn't know is that we secretly replaced his regular Dharma coffee with ALS Crystals. Pretty soon his body will conduct a purge of its own. Let's observe.
ALS, brought to you by hostiles, inc.
Thank you, namaste, and GOODBYE!

talkswithhands
"Juliette you ignorant s1ut!"

wednesdayworld
This week on Lost Message Boards . . . E-V-E-R-Y T-H-I-N-G W-I-L-L C-H-A-N-G-E . . .

zenmaster5280
Communication between Raszinski and Dr. Marvin Candle has led to the Dharma Initiative’s computer policy of no outside communication (as evidenced in later film clips). For posterity, a section of their IM’ing which led to the incident:


>: You stole my Message Board!

>: Actually--Borrowed. Borrowed without permission. But with every intention of bringing it back.

>: But you didn't!

>: You'll get another one.

>: I will.

>: A better one.

>: A better one!

>: That one. [flashes the new Lost General Board’s url]

>: What one? That one? [Bookmarks new Lost General Board site to favorites]

>: Aye, that one. What say you?

>: BAWK!

LIONARTist
Marvin Candle: Hey kids, I'm Marvin Candle, and if you're like me you're worried about VD. And, I don't mean Valentine's Day. I'm talking about Venereal Disease or kids may call it: "Syph", "The Clap", and "Crotch Rot". Sayyy... Where do you suppose you get VD?

Boy 1: From hookers and doorknobs

Girl: Drinking cups and water fountains?

Boy 2: Nice people don't get VD!!


Marvin: That's all true, but, mostly, you get VD from "Doin' it" Now I'm not tellin' you not to have sex. I'm not the man comin' down on you. In fact, I WANT you to have sex, and lots of it, whether you're with a group, alone, or maybe with only one other person. Like my belt buckle says... (shows belt buckle) GO FOR IT. So, let's get the straight dope about VD......INCLUDING GENITAL HERPES, from Doctor Jeanette Littledove, a great doctor and a wonderful lover.


Dr. Littledove: Thank you, Marv.

Marvin: You're welcome, Dr. Littledove. Saaayy, Dr. Littledove, can you tell all my cool friends what are the symptoms of VD?

Dr. Littledove: Well, Marv, men may notice fiery ...penls....... painful .... penls should be...... cut off ..... as quickly as possible.

Marvin: Thank you Dr. Littledove. Saayyy... What about the ladies?

Dr. Littledove: Well, Marv, girls are different. Women's symptoms include: ....vaglna ....vaglna ....'gina......may fly.........away.

Marvin: Good information. Thank you.


Marvin Candle: Hey, let's face it, VD is pretty much everywhere you go, so at some point you're probably gonna get it.


Marvin: And when you DO get VD... OR GENITAL HERPES......What's gonna happen when you tell your parents? Do you think this might happen...

Clip:

Teen: Say dad...?

Father: Yeah, son?

Teen: This is a hard and difficult thing for me to say, but I have a strong discharge coming from my penls. Do you think it could be VD?

Father: Yes, son, I'm SURE it's VD. Honey!

Father: Frank has VD.

Mother: I'll get the penicillin.

Marvin:.....If your parents are like my parents, it'll probably go something like this...

Clip:

Teen: This is a hard and difficult thing for me to say... I have a strong discharge coming from my penls. Do you think it could be VD?

Father: AHHHHH OHHH My......OHHHHH Goodness.
....... OHHHH Goodness.....Discharge.......Penls ..... AWWW OWWWW Goodness!....... Oh my goodness!........OHH dear goodness!..........Honey!

Father: Frank has VD.

Mother: I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF!!!!!

Father: Look what you've done, son! ..... Penls...

Mother: I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF!

Father:.........Ohhhh Son!


Marvin:.......That's why it's best not to tell your parents at all. If you get VD, tell your guidance counselor. He's probably got some penicillin lyin' around from when he had VD. I know I've got mine. Keep on truckin', kids.

He'll Be Wondering Where I Am...

TheGeoff
Sayid: Everyone's been seeing dead people. Jack saw his father, Ben saw his mother, and Mr. Eko saw his brother. I think we're the only two who haven't been hallucinating, Shannon.
Kate: Sayid, there's something I need to tell you.

captainaeon
Kate--'Ok--Duct tape...chains...pitchfork....I think we're ready to begin...
Sayid--(gulp!)

LIONARTist
The LOST version of DANCING WITH THE STARS!

Holden_Caulfields_Girl
"What do you think the shippers will call us on the boards? Kayid? Sayate? Hey, I know, we've both done bad things, how about Katydid?"

cab_l30n
Kate: Oh Sayid, when we get rescued we can finally be together.
Sayid: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

huntsman99
46 hours and counting. Keep this up and I know we'll come in first place.

captainaeon
Kate--'Gimme some sugar, baby!'

LostySawyerFan
Kate: Great party heh? Oh, you have some salsa on your neck.

bringingSazyback
CUT!
Naveen: Evie, what's wrong.
Evie: I'm going crazy, that's what. My real boyfriend is right over there with his pretend girlfriend, who is this blond cute thing with a weird accent and my pretend boyfriend is hot and MARRIED and my other pretend boyfriend is evener hotter and MARRIED and now they are going to kill off my real boyfriend and as you can see I've just got a lot of **** going on.

ALDILA
Look Naveen, I don't care if we DO work for ABC they'll never let us on Dancing With The Stars if we don't at least look like we can dance a little.

gwenniesgrannie
Sayid: Follow me...5, 6, 7, 8...

cmsmith68 (10271 Posts in the last 90 days)
The most beautiful sound, I ever heard
MARIA MARIA MARIA!


justacoolguy36
Kate: "and IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-eeeyIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always loooooooove yooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!"
Lost does The Bodyguard

rememberGoodwin
Sayid: The love triangle is so last year! What we need now, baby, is a love square! Put me on your list sweetie!

marbalbc
Look in my eyes Kate! Hold your head high. Elbows out....and one, two, three; one, two, three...
*sigh* We'll never get on Dancing with the Stars at this rate

Iheartlocke
Sayid: "Spaghetti Arms! You are invading my dance space. This is my dance space, this is your dance space. Let's cha-cha!"

bg says, "Play it again, Zen!"

zenmaster5280
Kate: No Sayid. No. What has happened to you. Last night we said--

Sayid: Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well I've done a lot of it since then and it all adds up to one thing. You're getting on that plane with Jack where you belong.

Kate: But Sayid, I , no, no--

Sayid: You've got to listen to me. Do you have any idea of what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten we'd both wind up in the Other's camp. Isn't that true, Desmond?

Desmond: I'm afraid Ben would insist.

Kate: You're saying this only to make me go.

Sayid: I'm saying this because it's true. Inside of us we both know you belong with Jack. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground, and you're not with him, you'll regret it.

Kate: No.

Sayid: Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Kate: But what about us?

Sayid: We'll always have Mysterious Island.