Helluva Jesus

wednesdayworld
Paint this one, Norman Rockwell.

LIONARTist
Momma: "Oh stop it, Hoogo. Last time this happened your head spun around and you spit pea soup. Remember? That's how you got your nickname"

Daddio_of_4
- Dave's not as um.... como se dice.... grande like your father but he's been there for me these last 17 years

TheresaFallsUpTheStairs
"you put your hands together when you pray hugo!

Empty_Cans
Hurley: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, mum the Heroin is only in the Virgin Mary Statues, not the Golden Jesus ones.

knockout Ned
Hurley: I DONT WANNA HEAR ABOUT TACO NIGHHHHHHT!!!!

Special Long Caption Award:

042078
Cheech:
I never thought my life could be
Anything but catastrophe
But suddenly I begin to see
A bit of good luck for me

'Cause I've got a golden jesus
I've got a golden twinkle in my eye

I never had a chance to shine
Never a happy song to sing
But suddenly half the world is mine
What an amazing thing

'Cause I've got a golden jesus

[Spoken]
It's ours, Hurley!

[Sung]
I've got a golden sun up in the sky

I never thought I'd see the day
When I would face the world and say
Good morning, look at the sun
I never thought that I would be
Slap in the lap of luxury
'Cause I'd have said:

Hurley:
It couldn't be done

Cheech:
But it can be done

I never dreamed that I would climb
Over the moon in ecstasy
But nevertheless, it's there that I'm
Shortly about to be

Hurley and Cheech and Mom:
'Cause I've got a golden jesus
I've got a golden chance to make my way
And with a golden jesus, it's a golden day

Cheech:
[Spoken]
Good morning, look at the sun!

Hurley and Cheech:
[Sung]
'Cause I'd have said,
It couldn't be done

Cheech:
But it can be done

I never dreamed that I would climb
Over the moon in ecstasy
But nevertheless, it's there that I'm
Shortly about to be

'Cause I've got a golden jesus
Mom, Cheech and Hurley:
'Cause I've got a golden jesus
I've got a golden chance to make my way
And with a golden jesus, it's a golden day

Sand Crabs?

ALDILA
I know Dark UFO hid those Easter eggs around here somewhere.

JustMech
Whose idea was it to play 'Vincent Says' anyway?

wednesdayworld
How many Islanders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three . . . one to be a lookout for Udders, one to try to grow new herbal or solar ones, and one to band birds with a note to send for an electrician. No one likes to stay in the dark for 3 seasons.

hatch_n_sniff
"Jin pees like a girl"

CheckieEatsOrganicPoptarts
Paulo wasn't exactly the most well liked guy on the island before he died, but everyone agrees that creating this giant litter box to make number two in was a stroke of genius.

Wardrobe Crisis

gwenniesgrannie
Desmond: Boxers or briefs? boxers or briefs? I can't decide...

awkwords
Henry Ian Cusick to Damon Lindelof:
"Oh I thought you said this episode was called 'Flashes you before your eyes'."

Sazyga
Hurley off camera: Dude, I said "bear", not bare.
Desmond: Well don't just stand there brotha, help pick up my threads. I had a shirt, didn't I?

talkswithhands
tarzan was successful in a loincloth, wonder if it would work for me too?

MissingPlane
...Oh Crap!! here comes the Hawaii State Police!!...HEY! HEY! WHere did everybody GO!!??

marbalbc
Oh lad, I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize.

words and music by Mike Cross, performed by Flogging Molly

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair
And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share
He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold, for them to see, beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth

They marveled for a moment, then one said we must be gone
Let's leave a present for our friend, before we move along
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show
Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
Around the bonnie star, the Scots kilt did lift and show

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards a tree
Behind a bush, he lift his kilt and gawks at what he sees
And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes.
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize

Ring ding diddle diddle I de oh ring di diddly I oh
O lad I don't know where you been but I see you won first prize

Defensive Holding

042078
Are you looking for the perfect gift for Mom this Mother's Day? Introducing Mom Jeans, exclusively at J.C. Penney.

captainaeon
'Back when I was living down in Texas, I had a belt buckle that was this big!'

JustMech
So then I put the beard on down here, but Juliet didn't think that was funny...

lostieAR
Tom: Yeah he doesn't have an arm, but he makes up for it with ..........

Anonomonolomous
Jack: 1. I'm sorry, 2. You were right, 3. Those pants don't make you look fat
Tom: awe, shucks

guitarek
SAYID: Now I REALLY don't know what is more disquieting... The 4-toed statue or the fact that this man has a cameltoe.

LIONARTist
Tom:

"Gimme an M"
"Gimme an A"
"Gimme an N"
"Gimme an G"
"Gimme an I"
"Gimme another N"
"Gimme another A"

"What's that spell?"

Singing in the Rain

wednesdayworld
Ben: Who are all these people?
Tom: They're my support group.
Ben: Can you get good cell phone reception out here?
Tom: We're Verizon. We never stop working for you.

captainaeon
Ben--'I said I need something for the pain, not something for the rain!!!'

kharmabites
Tom: What are you doing Ben?
Ben: SHHHH! The Island is trying to tell me something!

CharlieKissClaire
Ben: What's with the umbrella?
Tom: Jack's here...and he's crying...again...

gwenniesgrannie
Ben: Tom, would you move just a little to the left? Thanks.
Tom, would you roll me over? My hair is getting flat on this side.
Tom, is there any more bottled water? My throat is a bit dry.
Tom, can you see if there's any sand under me? My skin is so sensitive.
Tom, I have an itch on my.... *thud*
Tom: Scratch your own, friend. You're not my type.

cmsmith68
Tom: and when we get back to your house, i will give you a nice sponge bath and facial.

talkswithhands
Tom: Are you sure?
Ben: Yes, now that Jack and I are friends, we'll be hangin' together at the golf course and we'll need a golf umbrella during the rainy season! You know that's what doctors and us intellectual types do.

LIONARTist
Ben: "Ah've always ray-lied upown tha kahndness of stranguhs. Ah dew buhlieve ah've gawt tha vapuhs."

That Don't Float

cmsmith68
Let's see Holly Hunter do this.

zenmaster5280
An entry from my 5 year old nephew:
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish...

LncshrLassinMI
Charlie: Hey guys, I think I found the LOST chord!

captainaeon
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Message in a Piano…

MissingPlane
Charlie: ... and they said a Englishman could never write Surf Music,,I'll show'em!!

And a special LONG caption award for Lion and his extraordinary rendition of “The Piano Man.”

LIONARTist
Its nine oclock on a Wednesday
The refugee crowd shuffles in
Theres an bald man sitting next to me
Watchin love between Sun and Jin.
He says, son, can you play with my memory?
Im not really sure why we're here
But its sad and its sweet and it would really be neat
if I had a cold frosty beer.

La la la, de de daLa la, de de da da da
Sing us a song, youre the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all on this island eternally
because of this ill-fated flight.
Now John killed a boar, he's a friend of mine
He'll get me off drugs really soon.
And he's quick with a knife and he'll save your life
as long as your name isn't Boone.
He says, Chuck, I believe Jack is taunting me.
As the smile ran away from his face.
Well he doesn't believe this is destiny
that we all had to crash in this place.
Oh, la la la, de de daLa la, de de da da da
Now Paulo's a new hunky socialist
who never had lines on the show.
And hes talkin with Hurley whos still kinda burly
And Kate has lost all of her toes.
And the stewardess is practicing camoflauge
As the whisperers slowly go mad.
Yes, they're staring at Locke who is on the black rock.
It's the best ship that he's ever had.
Sing us a song, youre the piano man
Sing us a song tonight
Well, we're all on this island eternally
because of this ill-fated flight.
Its a pretty odd crowd for a Saturday
on the Lost General board on the net.
But they know that its me they've been comin to see
and they're all pretty decent, I bet.
And the piano, it sounds like the salty sea
And the heroin smells like my rear
And they sit on their knees and they punch on their keys
And say, man, what are you doin here?

Oh, la la la, de de daLa la, de de da da da

Mudcake Edition

lost2459fanAgain
What can brown do for you?

LIONARTist
Kate: Hey Juliet, what do you do if Smokey eats you?
Juliet: Run around real fast until you're all p00ped out.

hellolost
I told Locke not to throw ex-lax at smokey.

MissingPlane
..Sorry Julie.. this is All Sawyer's Fault!!!..he coulda called this Island..Flower Petal Island..or Strawberry's and Whip Cream Island,, or Maple Syryp Island, but no..he went and called it.......

zenmaster5280
Kate: "...told you this was better than the Volcanic Dust Mask at Spa Mandalay..."

captainaeon
Kate--Can you explain to me why we are both completely covered in mud yet our handcuffs are still shiney?
Juliet--Jack likes me better than you.

llanoestacada
Juliet: "We need to get out of these wet, dirty clothes."
Mech lights a cigarette. "Go on."

wednesdayworld
Mud Cakes Fan Recipe:

Roll 2 women in mud
Add a catfight
Stir in some shirtless Soya
Whip up a way to make Desmond's clothes fly off
Peel off Sun's top
Switch time to 9 P.M. adults-only time slot

Drop clues by baby-spoonfuls, toss in 8 new mysteries per episode and allow time for fans to stew.

Do These Shoes Make My...

guitarek
she crawls among us, but she is not one of us.

LIONARTist
Juliet: "BARK! BARK! BARK!"
Ben: "What's that, girl? Timmy fell down the hatch?!!"

LIONARTist
Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city,
Crawl along the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose? The lights are much brighter there...
You can forget all your troubles; forget all your cares, and go
Downtown -- things will be great when you're
Downtown -- you'll find a place for sure
Downtown -- everything's waiting for you

Downtown .... Downtown...

shootingstar815
This season of American's Next Top Model is going to be tough.

hatch_n_sniff
"but you could have gone home anytime you wanted by clicking your shoes together three times"

wednesdayworld
The Dharma Workplace Motivational Poster: We climb the ladder of success in Other ways here.

Coming soon - past, present, and future contests

We've generated some pretty funny caption contests at the abc general board. I'm going to post them here for all to enjoy. New contests each week.